It's just a game brah
I remember when I started out in the community. "It's just a game", they told me, "don't take it personally bro, just practice your skillset. You'll learn how to get further and further with each new level (girl) you play."
This obviously had a good impact, now I could stop taking things personally and if I just kept practising I'd eventually get results. Whenever things went bad it was because I didn't have the acquired "skillset" or level of "game" yet. Whenever things went good it was because I had been practicing and things are working out.
This is all well and good, but there will always be a certain set of girls that will reject you. And what happens when I'm doing everything "correct" and I still get rejected? wtf? Yes, it happens. No matter how tight your "game" is you'll still get rejected.
People think if they can control the situation by saying the perfect lines and spitting awesome "game", then that will eleviate their fear. Rejection WILL happen, you can't minimize it. This is out of your control.
And what do we do when we get rejected by attractive women? We take it personally. We've all done this. We get rejected and we think to ourselves:
"Ooh... she didn't like me.", "I didn't say the right thing", "My line wasn't funny enough", "What am I doing wrong?", "Why can't I figure this out?", "What could I have done better to get a better reaction out of her?", etc.
Now think back when you were talking to a girl you didn't find attractive and she was being cold, distant and unresponsive (e.g. you got rejected), we think to ourselves:
"She's not a very nice person.", "If she wasn't so ugly, she probably wouldn't be so mean all the time.", "Why is she such a bitch?", "She must have been having a bad day or something.", etc.
In times when we care about a situation, we get nervous and put value on the situation. We take things personally and we interpret things through that insecure lens.
Now I put quotations on "game" earlier because I believe that game is a myth. Yes, you can learn lines/routines/etc, to become better with social interactions and woman, but only to a certain extend. Once you get to a certain level, which is, when you can be yourself without holding yourself back from fear of looking bad, then it stops being a game and you can be yourself.
The routines and lines are just for beginners to show you that, yes, it's possible to actually talk to other people and attractive woman.
Being yourself is the best and worst piece of advice anyone can ever give you. When you start out you're thinking: "Well, I am being myself and it's not working.", wrong. You're not being yourself, you're being what you think will get you girls and approval, because you've seen a certain type of behavior in, for example, movies. You're being a needy polite nice guy, trying to manipulate woman to like you. This is not being yourself, hence why it wouldn't work.
You're doing this because you think this will get you results, and you convince yourself that you're just "being yourself". Is being yourself really paying for other people, giving (insincere) compliments, thinking before you speak because you think it might not get you the result you want? I highly doubt it.
Now it's also the best piece of advice, because once you strip away all the layers of bullshit/fears and stop holding yourself back and just be who you are, that's when you're truly being yourself. Like you are around your friends, when you stop worrying and thinking about "what to say next" and just live in the moment. When you can be like this around attractive woman that's when it stops being a "game", and that's when you start being yourself.
I'm getting way off topic here, but I needed to illustrate that before I could explain the next part;
If social interactions and "gaming" woman is not a "game", then what is it and why is it bad to think like this?
Because it keeps you dependant on results and the feedback you get from attractive woman that you're "gaming". Good feedback means you've got good game and you have the acquired skillset, and negative feedback means you're not at the skill level that you want to be and you should keep practicing.
We always say: "Be outcome independent bro!", but how can you if you're playing "the game"?
If you're not playing the game and you're approaching woman then what are you doing...? You're finding out the truth. You're seeing if you two are compatible, if you are her type, if she's someone that you're actually attracted to (physically and mentally), to see if the situation is right (She might be in a relationship/married, maybe it's a bad time in her life (e.g. she swore off all men because she just got hurt really bad by one), or any other number of reasons why she could reject you.
The only thing you want to find out is: "What is this girl's deal?", and the only way to find that out is by saying something.
It's not you. It's not your awesome "game". It's not even your personality. It's just the situation and the truth.
Good feedback does not mean good game, bad feedback does not mean bad game, you're taking yourself out of the equation.
Fuck game, fuck rejection. You're awesome as you are. So just be yourself, go find out the truth and have fun.
This is the mindset you must have to be outcome independent and not take things personally.
This is all great and all, but how the hell will this help me get women?!
Look. If you are just being yourself, then women will like you for you. No amount of "PUA"-routines will change that. If someone appears more successful using PUA methods it is because those methods got them out of their "shell", so to speak. It is like a placebo effect, or like drinking lots of alcohol, where it gets you to take risks and do things you normally wouldn't (such as approach a lot). But at least with alcohol no one says that it's the alcohol that makes you more attractive to women, it's what the alcohol got you to do that made you more attractive. PUA methods at best create a variety of delivery paths for your personality, which can bring out your personality more. But it's like training wheels, basically, and that's assuming it doesn't fuck you up in the process, which it usually does.
DHV doesn't work either. And neither does qualifying, negging, push/pull, cocky & funny, and NLP. At most these things can enhance attraction and/or interest a bit but they are completely ineffectual with women who have zero interest in getting to know you. And if a woman doesn't want to get to know you it is practically impossible to change that since it is something entirely within her own control and not yours, something PUAs don't like to hear.
Game, by definition, is a myth. Learning how to do tricks and techniques to change woman's perception and feelings towards you is impossible. Girls either like you, or don't. Period. No matter what awesome game you spit.
I've noticed that whenever I thought I was doing amazing game to win over a girl, they actually already liked me from the beginning. I thought: "Fuck yeah, my game is awesome, first she was really quiet, and then I did the cube and this and that, and now she's really investing, she likes me now" Truth is, she already liked me. But whenever people meet new people they always are a bit stand offish at first. or shy. This has nothing to do with how good my "game" was.
It doesn't matter HOW you approach, from what angle, or HOW you set up the date, or HOW you escalate on her once she's in your house. What's important is that you just do it. If she likes you it is your job as a man to escalate the interaction to whatever you want and hope that she wants it too and either accepts or denies your advances. No amount of game is going to change her "yes" or "no" response. If she wants it, she'll accept your escalation/advances no matter HOW you do it. You just do it, smooth or not.
When average guys are speaking their "boring usual stuff" they are usually coming from a needy place. A guy, who rehearses the better material, and better stories, is coming from that SAME needy place because he IS depending on those things.
The most effort you should put into meeting women is no more than the prep work you do when going out on the town (such as getting dressed up, grooming, being well rested, getting in a social mood, etc.). That is universal effort and comes with being part of society.
So stop trying to spit amazing game and just fucking go out and find girls that you think are awesome and reciprocate that feeling.
Credit: Nick Sparks, Rob Judge and Jakob Bachman for inspiring me to think like this, and realizing that it's a much more sane way of thinking about this crazy little thing called pick-up.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
How pickup actually makes you worse as a man
The problem with pickup is that they tell you not to care, be outcome independent and don't give a fuck. Know your own self worth, and stop looking for other people to gain happiness. Yet, every line/routine/eBook/DVD you're reading and learning has a base drive of WANTING more woman in your life. This is a BIG contradiction.
I've gotten to a point where I based my selfworth (and defining myself as a man) on makeouts and lays. When all is going well I'd feel good, happy and content. This is what I've been reading and studying for. Everything works. I've opened girls when I needed to, escalated when I had to, and now I got the girl.... awesome. Yet when things were going awful. For some reason girls were blowing me out (which had nothing to do with me whatsoever, but more to do with the mood she was in), dry spells, etc. I'd feel horrible. And the dry spells only got worse, because when I felt bad, I didn't feel like approaching. And when you don't approach, you're not getting laid. It was a self-destroying prophecy.
Don't get me wrong, I was proud of myself for not being a pussy and escalating when I had to (even though it's scary). Telling woman my desires when she might not reciprocate. It hurts to get rejected, we're all human. But for some reason I was BASING my happiness and selfworth on my ability to "get" woman and sex. I needed sex to be able to feel like a man. Maybe not even sex, but just constant interest from woman. Woman validating me that I'm sexworthy.
And I don't think I'm the only one...
Most people in this community base their happiness and self-worth on 2 things:
1. Taking action (even though you're scared), this means approaching, escalating, being sexual, etc. Even though your mind tries to convince you otherwise (for fear of looking bad in front of other people). This is doing what you want, without letting fear hold you back. The happiness you get from achieving goals.
2. Interest and sex from woman.
The first part is awesome, You're in control of your own happiness and no one can judge you for it. The second one is created by pickup. Because EVERY THING you do regarding pickup comes from wanting recognition. Recognition for your awesome game. Think about it like this, when you're rehearsing lines before approaching, calling or even going on dates, in order to not screw up, you've already set yourself up for failure. Because you're putting in all this effort, it's only natural to want a payout. If we put effort into something, we want results.
The reason things like approaching/escalating/calling/dates/losing the girl/etc, are scary, is because you care too much. You care because every waking minute you're thinking about pickup. You're thinking about improving yourself. You're thinking about your body language. You're thinking about how you like this girl and how you need to approach/escalate. Because this is what the community teaches you to improve on in order to "get" woman. And I think it's great that you want to do all that... but not when it comes from a place of needing it to go right in order to be happy and content.
We're brainwashed by pickup and society that we NEED sex in order to be men. We get highfived when we hookup, and people laugh at us when they find out we haven't gotten laid in months, or are still a virgin. When you can't get that constant approval from woman (in the form of interest and sex) you feel less of a man. You feel like your game sucks, and that you have the inability to "get lucky". No wonder we care so fucking much. Society and other people are putting all this pressure on us, and as social beings we have this strong urge to want approval.
Because of this most people think that after they get a girlfriend, or when they are able to get laid regularly that it's magically going to fix their lives and make them happy. Or they believe that after they buy X amounts of products that they can get amazing results with woman quickly. With no effort, time, or energy, and they care about getting the results they were promised. Or they make getting women some sort of measurement of how successful of a guy they are and they have to be better than this guy or get X amount of girls into bed a month.
They make getting more girls or getting laid THE most important thing in their lives.
This is a mindset that is going to set you up for failure. Pickup is hard in the beginning and if it's the most important thing in your life, you're going to be failing at what you consider the most important thing in the world. Which will make you feel bad. Not only that, but it will make you either hugely bitter (if you never get success) or feel like your entire life and whole sense of self worth is directly related to whether or not a stranger likes you.
This is why you shouldn't care if you'll ever get laid again. It's not healthy. In order to get laid you NEED the approval from another person to open up her beautiful legs for you. And if you care so much about getting laid, then you'll automatically care about another person's approval (specifically attractive women).
The solution is to not care, but still take action.
You only need to care that you are actually making an effort. If you're making an effort and the results aren't coming, you can feel good knowing you did your best. You don't have to be perfect with women or some sort of "master pick up artist" all you have to do is care about trying, do the approaches and not worry about the rest.
- Coldman
I've gotten to a point where I based my selfworth (and defining myself as a man) on makeouts and lays. When all is going well I'd feel good, happy and content. This is what I've been reading and studying for. Everything works. I've opened girls when I needed to, escalated when I had to, and now I got the girl.... awesome. Yet when things were going awful. For some reason girls were blowing me out (which had nothing to do with me whatsoever, but more to do with the mood she was in), dry spells, etc. I'd feel horrible. And the dry spells only got worse, because when I felt bad, I didn't feel like approaching. And when you don't approach, you're not getting laid. It was a self-destroying prophecy.
Don't get me wrong, I was proud of myself for not being a pussy and escalating when I had to (even though it's scary). Telling woman my desires when she might not reciprocate. It hurts to get rejected, we're all human. But for some reason I was BASING my happiness and selfworth on my ability to "get" woman and sex. I needed sex to be able to feel like a man. Maybe not even sex, but just constant interest from woman. Woman validating me that I'm sexworthy.
And I don't think I'm the only one...
Most people in this community base their happiness and self-worth on 2 things:
1. Taking action (even though you're scared), this means approaching, escalating, being sexual, etc. Even though your mind tries to convince you otherwise (for fear of looking bad in front of other people). This is doing what you want, without letting fear hold you back. The happiness you get from achieving goals.
2. Interest and sex from woman.
The first part is awesome, You're in control of your own happiness and no one can judge you for it. The second one is created by pickup. Because EVERY THING you do regarding pickup comes from wanting recognition. Recognition for your awesome game. Think about it like this, when you're rehearsing lines before approaching, calling or even going on dates, in order to not screw up, you've already set yourself up for failure. Because you're putting in all this effort, it's only natural to want a payout. If we put effort into something, we want results.
The reason things like approaching/escalating/calling/dates/losing the girl/etc, are scary, is because you care too much. You care because every waking minute you're thinking about pickup. You're thinking about improving yourself. You're thinking about your body language. You're thinking about how you like this girl and how you need to approach/escalate. Because this is what the community teaches you to improve on in order to "get" woman. And I think it's great that you want to do all that... but not when it comes from a place of needing it to go right in order to be happy and content.
We're brainwashed by pickup and society that we NEED sex in order to be men. We get highfived when we hookup, and people laugh at us when they find out we haven't gotten laid in months, or are still a virgin. When you can't get that constant approval from woman (in the form of interest and sex) you feel less of a man. You feel like your game sucks, and that you have the inability to "get lucky". No wonder we care so fucking much. Society and other people are putting all this pressure on us, and as social beings we have this strong urge to want approval.
Because of this most people think that after they get a girlfriend, or when they are able to get laid regularly that it's magically going to fix their lives and make them happy. Or they believe that after they buy X amounts of products that they can get amazing results with woman quickly. With no effort, time, or energy, and they care about getting the results they were promised. Or they make getting women some sort of measurement of how successful of a guy they are and they have to be better than this guy or get X amount of girls into bed a month.
They make getting more girls or getting laid THE most important thing in their lives.
This is a mindset that is going to set you up for failure. Pickup is hard in the beginning and if it's the most important thing in your life, you're going to be failing at what you consider the most important thing in the world. Which will make you feel bad. Not only that, but it will make you either hugely bitter (if you never get success) or feel like your entire life and whole sense of self worth is directly related to whether or not a stranger likes you.
This is why you shouldn't care if you'll ever get laid again. It's not healthy. In order to get laid you NEED the approval from another person to open up her beautiful legs for you. And if you care so much about getting laid, then you'll automatically care about another person's approval (specifically attractive women).
The solution is to not care, but still take action.
You only need to care that you are actually making an effort. If you're making an effort and the results aren't coming, you can feel good knowing you did your best. You don't have to be perfect with women or some sort of "master pick up artist" all you have to do is care about trying, do the approaches and not worry about the rest.
- Coldman
Saturday, January 21, 2012
How Direct Daygame totally revolutionised my dating life, AGAIN - by Ryan
I like how this article brings up a lot of points that I've been trying to convey the last couple of weeks on this blog, especially beliefs 3 & 4. Enjoy!
How Direct Daygame totally revolutionised my dating life, AGAIN - by Ryan
Limiting Belief 1: You have to "create attraction" BEFORE you can telegraph interest, qualify or sexually escalate.
Limiting Belief 2: You have to "raise your value" and/or "lower her value" before she will become attracted to you.
Limiting Belief 3: You have to follow the steps correctly. If you don't get the girl, it's because you've failed at one of the steps.
Limiting Belief 4: A great pick up artist (who knows how to do all the steps correctly) can get ANY girl.
How Direct Daygame totally revolutionised my dating life, AGAIN - by Ryan
In the autumn of 2007, I was sitting in my room in University when my good friend Andrew came in, smiling and clutching a book, which he offered to me. Only the night before, I'd been telling him about some problems I'd been having with my then girlfriend of 4 years. "You HAVE to check this out" he said. I looked down at the black leatherbound edition and read the words "The Game" embossed in gold on the cover. I devoured the book in about 48 hours and literally couldn't contain my enthusiasm. Was this real? Did "pick up artists" really exist? Having just finished a course on biocultural psychology where I learned all about the interaction between evolution, psychology and society, the theory totally clicked and made perfect sense. I searched around on the internet, and, lo and behold, there was an entire community of pick up artists on forums everywhere - it was real!
Over the next few years, I dedicated myself to the study and implementation of all the information and advice I could get about how to become a "PUA." From pick-up-artist-forum.com, to eBooks, videos, audiobooks, and everything in between, I developed an encyclopaedic knowledge of the subtle differences between the emotional progression model as taught by Lovesystems versus straight Mystery Method versus Adam Lyons (C-R) + Q + SE model, and so on. I credit the study of the pick up arts with giving me the motivation and incentive to go and work out, improve my body language and posture, dress well, think about making great first impressions, become more social, make female friends, learn NLP, and generally go down the path of self-improvement.
However, did any of this actually get me laid? Surprisingly, the answer is NO. Despite knowing a lot about pick up, having a few pretty cool wings, and going out a lot, even the new improved me wasn't faring any better than the old one. After two years of being a self-proclaimed "pick up artist," I had two lays to my name, neither of whom (sorry girls) would rank any more than a 5 on anyone's scale.
Looking back now, I know that my lack of success was not down to something I was missing. In fact, it stemmed from some of the limiting beliefs that indirect methods such as the mystery method unwittingly instil into almost every aspiring pick up artist:
Limiting Belief 1: You have to "create attraction" BEFORE you can telegraph interest, qualify or sexually escalate.
Limiting Belief 2: You have to "raise your value" and/or "lower her value" before she will become attracted to you.
Limiting Belief 3: You have to follow the steps correctly. If you don't get the girl, it's because you've failed at one of the steps.
Limiting Belief 4: A great pick up artist (who knows how to do all the steps correctly) can get ANY girl.
(1) & (2) The basis of the "neg" is the combination of 1&2. The neg acts as a "false disqualifier," making the girl think you're not actually hitting on her, whilst at the same time "lowering her value" by acting as a sly insult. It's the basis of "active disinterest" - engaging her in conversation, but saying that you're not interested because she's not actually that hot.
The problem with the neg: most wannabe pick up artists are likely so socially uncalibrated that they don't know how to deliver a neg with a cheeky smile in a confident manner (i.e. "flirting"), so instead it just sounds like an insult, or even worse, like a nervous guy attempting a compliment but failing!
The problems with pretending you're not hitting on her until you get the sense that she's attracted to you are numerous:
· You get "in your head" and constantly look for signs of attraction rather than focusing on the interaction at hand and actually LISTENING to what she's saying
· You wait so long NOT hitting on her that you get worried about when it'll be "ok," making it more and more incongruent and more awkward, eventually getting yourself into the friend zone through lack of escalation.
· You assume your "attraction building routines" are what's causing the attraction, rather than the possibility that she was ALREADY attracted to you anyway. In reality, all you had to do was spend 5 minutes showing her that you're a normal guy who likes her, and you'd have had a far higher chance of getting to know her intimately.
· You assume the hot girl has more "value" than you from the very beginning - but wait a minute, what happened to "I am the prize"? If you're the prize, then surely you can assume higher value, which would negate the need to "neg" altogether.
· You're starting your entire interaction with this girl based on a LIE. You're not going up to her to ask a "female opinion" on some debate you're having - you're talking to her because she's HOT and you're attracted to her! The first few seconds you start talking to a girl, especially in a club or bar, she knows exactly what you want. Women are not stupid, in fact they are far more attuned to subtle social cues. You can't fool them into thinking you really want to know "who lies more."
(3) The idea of an "emotional progression model" is incredibly attractive to the kind of man that will end up getting involved in the pick up artist community. A guy who is probably quite nervous in a social situation because of its inherent complexity (who might even be verging on autism) will look at a structured, logical, linear progression, and therefore something that could be learned exactly. They may think that following these steps exactly will guaranteed their success, as if pick up were like a video game.
The big PUA companies love teaching models like this because they're simple and easy to explain, and more importantly, when a student isn't getting results, they can say, "oh well, it's because your sticking point is between A3 and C1, so you just need to buy our new product focusing on qualification and comfort, and then do another bootcamp, and you'll learn C1-S3 and be there before you know it!" This puts the blame squarely on the student for screwing up the system, not something inherently flawed in the system, the student, or maybe even the girl herself! This is a great way to sell lots of specialised products for every single facet of interaction (opening, comfort, phone and text, daygame, club game, etc.) but it likely doesn't address the core issues that may be preventing the student from achieving the success he wants.
Fundamentally, what's really counterproductive about this whole way of learning, is it creates the mentality of "if I just learn this material, then I'll say exactly the right thing at the right time to convince this girl to like me and want to sleep with me." The whole thing is upside down! If you're supposed to be the prize, if you're so high value, if you're so alpha and confident, then why on earth are you worrying what the right thing to say is to make some girl like you?
(4) Finally, the big gurus or master pick up artists, with all the commercialised hype, have to sell the idea that their system is 100% foolproof and sell the idea that, if performed correctly they system can turn normal guys into chick magnets capable of bringing home any woman they desire. Of course, we know this MUST be false. Some women, regardless of how "tight" your game is, will simply not be attracted, or be in a committed happy relationship, or something you do may remind them of their ex boyfriend who treated them badly, or a million other reasons. Again, the mindset is that the mPUA can control everything within the interaction and guarantee a 0% chance of rejection. The very idea of a rejectionless pick up attempt is ludicrous. Without rejection, you'd never even begin the learning process that is absolutely necessary to even master the basics of any skill - seduction being no exception.
After learning the Direct method from Sasha Daygame, my results immediately skyrocketed. I went from a guy.... who was struggling to scrape a new (often quite average looking) girl every few months, to setting up 3 or 4 dates with new girls every WEEK, every one of whom was incredibly attractive to me. Nothing else changed, I was still just the same guy, with the same personality, looks, and job. And nothing I did was particularly unique, exceptional or complicated. Fundamentally, it was a simple mindset shift that replaced those limiting beliefs with new empowering ones:
Empowering Belief 1: Confidently displaying your romantic interest and sexual intent to a girl is one of the most attractive things you can do. It's the most honest way to begin an interaction with a woman you're interested in, and even if they reject you, they will respect you so much more for being up-front with them.
Empowering Belief 2: Your "value" is already exactly as high as you believe it to be - it's within you, and has nothing to do with what others think of you. You don't have to bring anyone down to feel better about yourself, and you don't have to impress or prove anything to anyone. Simply act how you want to act, and if people want to join in the fun, then great. If not, so be it. You are good enough, and if the people around you don't see that, it's their loss.
Empowering Belief 3: There are certain things that will help you, and certain things that will hurt you. But, fundamentally if a girl likes you she'll give you plenty of opportunities, regardless of the "steps" you follow. If she's not into you, no amount of perfect routine-following will make her suddenly become attracted to you. If it doesn't work out, SHE failed to recognise how great you are, and that's HER fault, not yours.
Empowering Belief 4: No man on earth is universally attractive to ALL women. No man can talk his way into every woman's heart (or panties!) Some women will simply not be into you. But that's ok, because for every one of those, there's a woman around another corner for whom youare the perfect type!
So, how have my interactions changed?
Before I adopted the direct mindset, I was constantly pushing myself into talking to girls I found attractive even though I was really nervous. If she wasn't interested, I'd take it really personally and start analysing what was wrong with me. Was my body language off? Did I come in too "obviously?" Maybe I just wasn't attractive enough?
If I did get into a good interaction, I'd be so happy that it was going well that I'd just keep things at that level - having a pleasant conversation and not taking things further. To take things further, of course, would risk that terrible REJECTION I was so worried about!
Now, I simply go into every interaction with a woman I find attractive with a direct compliment, making my romantic intentions clear from the start. What I've found is that the rejections are pleasant, and the women often thank me with a smile for brightening their day. As for the girls that are interested, they are already very attracted to my confidence and honesty, and I can proceed with the certainty that I can move things forward and escalate, knowing full well that any "no" along the way is almost certainly a "later" (i.e. token resistance) and not actual rejection.
This has also carried over to my social life and business in general. When I meet people in social situations, rather than worrying if I might be accepted or criticised for my actions (and therefore possibly staying silent or toning myself down) I instead just display my personality. What I've found is that acting more authentically and naturally with people actually makes me far more accepted and leads to almost universally positive reactions towards me. And I know through the experience of working with clients and students that almost any man can adopt the Direct mindset and get the same positive results!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
More stuff by Jakob Bachman (see previous post).
More stuff by Jakob Bachman (see previous post).
This blog post sounds like a utopia. I'm gonna try this soon. Trying not to do the usual: baiting girls to invest, set sexual frames, etc. and see if I get the same results.
Stop Unnatural Conversations With Women
I'm going to be blunt. Get rid of all routines and canned stories.
If you need to rehearse a story, a move, a Kino technique, a phone call, a kiss technique, a dance maneuver, or whatever, then you are on the wrong path. You are admitting that you are naturally not good enough and that getting women requires special skills.
A DANGEROUS truth is that some men who do engage in these behavioral gymnastics do go on dates, meet women, get laid etc. This is a dangerous, dangerous truth because it confuses "in spite of" with "because of". I can eat a bad diet and still do ok in sports but that does not mean that THAT diet is the way to go. There IS a better way.
"So what did you do this weekend?"
"What do you think of place X?"
But this is the boring usual stuff all guys talk with women about. Yep, and there's more:
"What places do you like to go to?"
"What do you do for fun?"
If you feel like you have to do anything more than this than you are putting her on a pedestal. And if she expects more from you then she is putting herself above you and disrespecting you. Either way you lose. So wouldn't you rather lose by being yourself rather than by wasting energy trying something else?
When average guys are speaking their "boring usual stuff" they are usually coming from a needy place. A guy, who rehearses the better material, and better stories, is coming from that SAME needy place because he IS depending on those things.
The most effort you should put into meeting women is no more than the prep work you do when going out on the town (such as getting dressed up, grooming, being well rested, getting in a social mood, etc.). That is universal effort and comes with being part of society.
This blog post sounds like a utopia. I'm gonna try this soon. Trying not to do the usual: baiting girls to invest, set sexual frames, etc. and see if I get the same results.
Stop Unnatural Conversations With Women
I'm going to be blunt. Get rid of all routines and canned stories.
If you need to rehearse a story, a move, a Kino technique, a phone call, a kiss technique, a dance maneuver, or whatever, then you are on the wrong path. You are admitting that you are naturally not good enough and that getting women requires special skills.
A DANGEROUS truth is that some men who do engage in these behavioral gymnastics do go on dates, meet women, get laid etc. This is a dangerous, dangerous truth because it confuses "in spite of" with "because of". I can eat a bad diet and still do ok in sports but that does not mean that THAT diet is the way to go. There IS a better way.
"So what did you do this weekend?"
"What do you think of place X?"
But this is the boring usual stuff all guys talk with women about. Yep, and there's more:
"What places do you like to go to?"
"What do you do for fun?"
If you feel like you have to do anything more than this than you are putting her on a pedestal. And if she expects more from you then she is putting herself above you and disrespecting you. Either way you lose. So wouldn't you rather lose by being yourself rather than by wasting energy trying something else?
When average guys are speaking their "boring usual stuff" they are usually coming from a needy place. A guy, who rehearses the better material, and better stories, is coming from that SAME needy place because he IS depending on those things.
The most effort you should put into meeting women is no more than the prep work you do when going out on the town (such as getting dressed up, grooming, being well rested, getting in a social mood, etc.). That is universal effort and comes with being part of society.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Lifestyle Journey For Men
For some reason I bumped on this blog by Jakob Bachman:
http://lifestylejourney.blogspot.com/2010/02/pua-scam.html
and I can already tell.... I love the guy. He has some more monster posts on that blog that are worth a read, but I don't have time for it at the moment. Am pretty excited though, I'll tell you that.
Here's a quick article from his blog. It's basically number 15 (Game is a myth) from the 15 lessons I learned from 2011.
PUA Methods Create Little Attraction If At All
If someone appears more successful using PUA methods it is because those methods got them out of their "shell", so to speak. It is like a placebo effect, or like drinking lots of alcohol, where it gets you to take risks and do things you normally wouldn't (such as approach a lot). But at least with alcohol no one says that it's the alcohol that makes you more attractive to women, it's what the alcohol got you to do that made you more attractive. PUA methods at best create a variety of delivery paths for your personality, which can bring out your personality more. But it's like training wheels, basically, and that's assuming it doesn't fuck you up in the process, which it usually does.
Probably the most useful PUA concept that has any measurable validity is the concept of social proof. It is true that if girls see you as a popular guy from a distance, your attractiveness will increase a bit in their eyes. But this is in addition to you already looking attractive to them, appearance wise, and then the social proof will help a bit. But those same girls also have to be receptive to meeting you for anything to happen. I've been in many situations where I had social proof (i.e. I was chatting up women and even occasionally making out with one of them), but other girls in that environment still acted indifferent towards me. At most they would look at me with curiosity and even some jealousy, but nothing more than that would happen. Time and time again I would see that socializing with the ladies (and even the men) almost always did nothing to help me hook up with other females in that particular environment (e.g. bar or club). Furthermore, I also made a habit of observing other guys who appeared socially proofed. For example, maybe they were with their hot girl friends or appeared very social and outgoing. I still didn't see them receive significantly more attention from other women than the guy who is just standing in a corner by himself. At most they would get looks from girls, and maybe a small amount of opportunity would present itself that wouldn't otherwise, but other than that social proof is hardly the powerful thing it's made out to be. And in my mind the reason for that is this: Girls need to be receptive to meeting men in that environment otherwise nothing works. You can be attractive, socially proofed, outgoing, preselected and none of that will matter in that environment if the women are not open to meeting men. And the irony is, if in the presence of social proof you are successful then you will also be successful without social proof, meaning that the women in that environment are receptive to meeting men.
Attraction and the desire to act on that attraction BOTH need to be present for social proof to work. And attraction itself is generated by a combination of your looks, mannerisms, and how you speak. This is independent of the use of PUA methods, excluding the placebo effect of course.
DHV doesn't work either. And neither does qualifying, negging, push/pull, cocky & funny, and NLP. At most these things can enhance attraction and/or interest a bit but they are completely ineffectual with women who have zero interest in getting to know you. And if a woman doesn't want to get to know you it is practically impossible to change that since it is something entirely within her own control and not yours, something PUAs don't like to hear.
http://lifestylejourney.blogspot.com/2010/02/pua-scam.html
and I can already tell.... I love the guy. He has some more monster posts on that blog that are worth a read, but I don't have time for it at the moment. Am pretty excited though, I'll tell you that.
Here's a quick article from his blog. It's basically number 15 (Game is a myth) from the 15 lessons I learned from 2011.
PUA Methods Create Little Attraction If At All
If someone appears more successful using PUA methods it is because those methods got them out of their "shell", so to speak. It is like a placebo effect, or like drinking lots of alcohol, where it gets you to take risks and do things you normally wouldn't (such as approach a lot). But at least with alcohol no one says that it's the alcohol that makes you more attractive to women, it's what the alcohol got you to do that made you more attractive. PUA methods at best create a variety of delivery paths for your personality, which can bring out your personality more. But it's like training wheels, basically, and that's assuming it doesn't fuck you up in the process, which it usually does.
Probably the most useful PUA concept that has any measurable validity is the concept of social proof. It is true that if girls see you as a popular guy from a distance, your attractiveness will increase a bit in their eyes. But this is in addition to you already looking attractive to them, appearance wise, and then the social proof will help a bit. But those same girls also have to be receptive to meeting you for anything to happen. I've been in many situations where I had social proof (i.e. I was chatting up women and even occasionally making out with one of them), but other girls in that environment still acted indifferent towards me. At most they would look at me with curiosity and even some jealousy, but nothing more than that would happen. Time and time again I would see that socializing with the ladies (and even the men) almost always did nothing to help me hook up with other females in that particular environment (e.g. bar or club). Furthermore, I also made a habit of observing other guys who appeared socially proofed. For example, maybe they were with their hot girl friends or appeared very social and outgoing. I still didn't see them receive significantly more attention from other women than the guy who is just standing in a corner by himself. At most they would get looks from girls, and maybe a small amount of opportunity would present itself that wouldn't otherwise, but other than that social proof is hardly the powerful thing it's made out to be. And in my mind the reason for that is this: Girls need to be receptive to meeting men in that environment otherwise nothing works. You can be attractive, socially proofed, outgoing, preselected and none of that will matter in that environment if the women are not open to meeting men. And the irony is, if in the presence of social proof you are successful then you will also be successful without social proof, meaning that the women in that environment are receptive to meeting men.
Attraction and the desire to act on that attraction BOTH need to be present for social proof to work. And attraction itself is generated by a combination of your looks, mannerisms, and how you speak. This is independent of the use of PUA methods, excluding the placebo effect of course.
DHV doesn't work either. And neither does qualifying, negging, push/pull, cocky & funny, and NLP. At most these things can enhance attraction and/or interest a bit but they are completely ineffectual with women who have zero interest in getting to know you. And if a woman doesn't want to get to know you it is practically impossible to change that since it is something entirely within her own control and not yours, something PUAs don't like to hear.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012-01-08 - Field Report (Same Night Seduction stuff)
Just got home from a night out. Didn't approach much, but had 1 noticeable interaction:
Friend introduced me to a girl he just met. Exchanged names.
Danced with her a bit, real close. Twirling and intertwining my fingers with hers.
At this point I knew she was interested.
3D escalation:
Me: "You're called what? Huh? Sorry can't hear you, let's go somewhere more quiet"
*Grabbed her hand and walked to the smoking area*
Sat on a chair, grabbed her hands and put her arms around me. She had her arms around me throughout the entire interaction.
I kept caressing her hands, stroking them, interjecting them with mine, etc (All that sexual kino awesomeness)
Me: "so you're really called Flower?"
Her: "Haha yeahhh"
Me: "That's SO awesome! It's not short for anything?"
Her: "Nope, I'm actually called flower :)"
Me: "haha awesome"
*At this point I spilled my drink on her shoulder while hugging her and trying to take a sip*
I apologized with a smile and thought to myself: "WTF am I doing? Fuck this drink, I don't need or want something to drink... I got a girl to play with now. This is awesome :D"
So I put my beer on the table besides me and focused on the girl. (Later my drink got taken away by the bartender... I couldn't care less)
Setting sexual frames:
Me: "So what do you do for fun?"
Her: "Uhm... I dunno, go out with friends, etc"
Me: "Ah a party girl, that's cool"
Her: "Yeah and I jog"
Me: "wow... so you're a sporty girl.. I like that ;)"
Her: "Yeah haha and you?"
Me: "My passion is psychology"
Her: "Ah oke"
Me: "You're pretty cool, let me try a psychological test with you, it's called the strawberry test"
*Strawberry test*
:She eats ALL the strawberry's... hehe, dirty girl ;)
Her: "It's like a real test right, you're not just saying this to hit on me?"
Me: "Yeah, it's a real test"
Creating sexual tension:
Me: "Wow, you're really cute, it's a shame I have this rule that I don't kiss in clubs, else I'd totally kiss you right now"
Her: "Haha"
Logistical question:
Me: "So who are you here with?"
Her: "My friends you just saw"
Me: "That's cool, so how do you know eachother?"
Her: "From school"
Me: "Alright awesome, so you all have like your little secrets"
Her: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Well... if you're all from the same school, then you all gossip a lot about who's hooking up with who, etc. I know how you girls are ;)"
Her: "haha yeah..."
Me: "Well that's cool, cause I don't judge"
Her: "What do you mean, I don't judge?"
Me: "Well... I don't judge" (Should've explained that people should be free to do whatever they want to do, without judgement)
Baiting to invest:
Me: "So, beautiful girls never tell me jokes, it's a shame, I think you should tell me a joke"
Her: "Uhhh.. I'm not sure... well... I know this one joke"
Her: "blablabla"
Me: "Huh? I couldn't hear that, what did you say?"
Her: "Hahaha, nevermind, it's nothing"
Me: "No, tell me"
Her: "Nooo, nevermind :)"
Her: "Do you know any jokes?"
Me: "Yeah... so an American and an Italian speak to one and other, the American says: 'Give me some screws and I'll build a ship for you'. The Italian says: 'Give me your wife and I'll make sure it has a crew on it'."
I look at her silently, she looks at me, gravity hook
Her: "Huh? Sorry, I didn't hear the first part. I thought if I heard the second part I'd understand it, but I don't.. sorry :)"
Me: "I repeat"
Her: "hahaha"
Lighting the fuse:
Me: "Alright.. well, it's a shame, because I'm talking to you this whole time and all I can think about is playing on my Nintendo Wii. Have you ever played Wii sports?"
Her: "Yeah!! it's awesome"
Me: "Isn't it? :)"
Logistical question:
Me: "So how did you get here?"
Her: "With a cab/metro, I live at blabla"
Me: "Ah, so you're going back with the metro/bus too?"
Her: "Yeahh"
Baiting to invest:
Me: "You look like you give great hand massages though"
Her: "Hmm.. you want a massage?"
Me: "Yeah"
*Gravity hook: I look at her silently so that she'll feel the tension and wants a release, which in this case is done by giving me a hand massage*
Her: "Right now?"
Me: "Yup" *grab her hands*
*She starts caressing my hands*
Me: "That's pretty good, but I give it a 6 out of a 10"
Her: "A 6?!"
*Starts playing with my hands even more*
Me: "That's much better... awesome ;)"
Rewarding her investment + creating more sexual tension:
Me: "This feels really good... watch."
*Stroke her hair aside and gently tug the back of her hair*
I could actually see her getting really turned on, she was staring into space now with a huge smile on her face haha
Creating more sexual tension:
Me: "You know what though... screw the rule I have... I totally wanna kiss you right now"
*Stroke her hair, gently tugging her chin towards me trying to kiss her*
She rejects
Her: "Noooo, I don't kiss random guys in bars!"
Me: "Hi, I'm Coldman. So now I'm not some random guy anymore"
*Try to kiss her again*
Her: "Nooo :D"
*I look at her silently, triangular gaze for like 30 seconds, try again*
She rejects
*I stroke her hair away instead and bite her neck*
Me: "Well.. I think it's awesome that you're not so easy, I like that about you"
Note: This is actually a bad thing to say. Now she's inclined to "play even harder to get", because I told her I like that. Something better to say would be:
"I like that you're hiding the fact that you want to kiss me."
or "It's okay to be shy ;)"
Baiting to invest + reward:
Me: "So what do you do besides going out? Like work"
Her: "I work in the supermarket"
Me: "haha that's awesome, so you do it just for the money or because you like doing it?"
Her: "Well, more for the money, but I like the job as well :)"
Me: "That's awesome"
*Stroke her hair away and bite her neck again*
Pull:
Me: "So... I think you're pretty awesome, let's go play Nintendo Wii"
*Grab her hand, trying to pull out of the club*
Her: "haha, noooo, I got to go to my friends"
Me: "That's alright, but before you go, you have to give me your number"
*Exchange numbers*
Me: "Save me as 'Coldman Strawberry', so you know it's me ;)"
*some more fluff so she knows I wasn't just doing it to get her number*
Me: "Alright cya... wait, in Italy we do 3 kisses to say goodbye"
*3 kisses*
Me: "And if I see you again, you owe me a dance, cause we haven't danced yet ;)"
*Goodbyes*
Later on I text her:
Me: "Hey, what are you doing?"
Her: "I'm going home with the bus, and then I'm going to bed haha. And you?"
Me: "I'm gonna throw an afterparty at my house, you should come?" (I wasn't really, was just trying to get her to come over)
Her: "Nah way too far, I'm at my own house!"
==================================
Things I forgot and could have done (better):
- Roleplays
- "It won't get weird"-frame (Did all the most important frames with strawberry fields, but forgot the: "It won't get weird"-frame)
- Other important sexual frames (objections) to remember:
-- Pregnant/STD
-- Stalker
-- Discreet (Check: I don't kiss in bars, but seeing as your friends aren't here, it'll be our little secret)
-- I don't like ONS (One night stands)
- blaming sexual aggressiveness on her
- Set-up a day 2 right then and there based on common interests.
-- Cooking
-> What's your favourite type of food?
-> Imagine us having a relationship, what would you cook?
-> Oh wow, you got me curious now, we totally have to make that together now next thursday night.
-> Dinnerdate @ your place
-- Movies
-> You like watching movies?
-> What's your favourite (type of) movie?
-> Have you ever seen 'X'
-> You haven't? Oh wow, we're totally gonna see that movie next thursday night.
-> Moviedate @ your place
---- Also grab her Facebook so you can see if she's still as hot as you remember the next day (Also builds more comfort if she can see you, and builds you up if you have a cool profile)
- What are you doing later?
-- and: What time do you have to get up tomorrow?
- More 3D escalation (Bought her a drink/slapshot)
-- or bought her a drink in another venue (or at my house) -> More 3D escalation
- What needs to happen for us to hookup tonight? (Or for you to come play Nintendo Wii)
- Just so you know... you're coming home with me tonight. ;)
Quick note:
I need to approach WAAAAAAAY more.
More approaches = more chances with girls = more chance of a girl having good logistics to take home.
Don't hesitate, just go for it.
Friend introduced me to a girl he just met. Exchanged names.
Danced with her a bit, real close. Twirling and intertwining my fingers with hers.
At this point I knew she was interested.
3D escalation:
Me: "You're called what? Huh? Sorry can't hear you, let's go somewhere more quiet"
*Grabbed her hand and walked to the smoking area*
Sat on a chair, grabbed her hands and put her arms around me. She had her arms around me throughout the entire interaction.
I kept caressing her hands, stroking them, interjecting them with mine, etc (All that sexual kino awesomeness)
Me: "so you're really called Flower?"
Her: "Haha yeahhh"
Me: "That's SO awesome! It's not short for anything?"
Her: "Nope, I'm actually called flower :)"
Me: "haha awesome"
*At this point I spilled my drink on her shoulder while hugging her and trying to take a sip*
I apologized with a smile and thought to myself: "WTF am I doing? Fuck this drink, I don't need or want something to drink... I got a girl to play with now. This is awesome :D"
So I put my beer on the table besides me and focused on the girl. (Later my drink got taken away by the bartender... I couldn't care less)
Setting sexual frames:
Me: "So what do you do for fun?"
Her: "Uhm... I dunno, go out with friends, etc"
Me: "Ah a party girl, that's cool"
Her: "Yeah and I jog"
Me: "wow... so you're a sporty girl.. I like that ;)"
Her: "Yeah haha and you?"
Me: "My passion is psychology"
Her: "Ah oke"
Me: "You're pretty cool, let me try a psychological test with you, it's called the strawberry test"
*Strawberry test*
:She eats ALL the strawberry's... hehe, dirty girl ;)
Her: "It's like a real test right, you're not just saying this to hit on me?"
Me: "Yeah, it's a real test"
Creating sexual tension:
Me: "Wow, you're really cute, it's a shame I have this rule that I don't kiss in clubs, else I'd totally kiss you right now"
Her: "Haha"
Logistical question:
Me: "So who are you here with?"
Her: "My friends you just saw"
Me: "That's cool, so how do you know eachother?"
Her: "From school"
Me: "Alright awesome, so you all have like your little secrets"
Her: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Well... if you're all from the same school, then you all gossip a lot about who's hooking up with who, etc. I know how you girls are ;)"
Her: "haha yeah..."
Me: "Well that's cool, cause I don't judge"
Her: "What do you mean, I don't judge?"
Me: "Well... I don't judge" (Should've explained that people should be free to do whatever they want to do, without judgement)
Baiting to invest:
Me: "So, beautiful girls never tell me jokes, it's a shame, I think you should tell me a joke"
Her: "Uhhh.. I'm not sure... well... I know this one joke"
Her: "blablabla"
Me: "Huh? I couldn't hear that, what did you say?"
Her: "Hahaha, nevermind, it's nothing"
Me: "No, tell me"
Her: "Nooo, nevermind :)"
Her: "Do you know any jokes?"
Me: "Yeah... so an American and an Italian speak to one and other, the American says: 'Give me some screws and I'll build a ship for you'. The Italian says: 'Give me your wife and I'll make sure it has a crew on it'."
I look at her silently, she looks at me, gravity hook
Her: "Huh? Sorry, I didn't hear the first part. I thought if I heard the second part I'd understand it, but I don't.. sorry :)"
Me: "I repeat"
Her: "hahaha"
Lighting the fuse:
Me: "Alright.. well, it's a shame, because I'm talking to you this whole time and all I can think about is playing on my Nintendo Wii. Have you ever played Wii sports?"
Her: "Yeah!! it's awesome"
Me: "Isn't it? :)"
Logistical question:
Me: "So how did you get here?"
Her: "With a cab/metro, I live at blabla"
Me: "Ah, so you're going back with the metro/bus too?"
Her: "Yeahh"
Baiting to invest:
Me: "You look like you give great hand massages though"
Her: "Hmm.. you want a massage?"
Me: "Yeah"
*Gravity hook: I look at her silently so that she'll feel the tension and wants a release, which in this case is done by giving me a hand massage*
Her: "Right now?"
Me: "Yup" *grab her hands*
*She starts caressing my hands*
Me: "That's pretty good, but I give it a 6 out of a 10"
Her: "A 6?!"
*Starts playing with my hands even more*
Me: "That's much better... awesome ;)"
Rewarding her investment + creating more sexual tension:
Me: "This feels really good... watch."
*Stroke her hair aside and gently tug the back of her hair*
I could actually see her getting really turned on, she was staring into space now with a huge smile on her face haha
Creating more sexual tension:
Me: "You know what though... screw the rule I have... I totally wanna kiss you right now"
*Stroke her hair, gently tugging her chin towards me trying to kiss her*
She rejects
Her: "Noooo, I don't kiss random guys in bars!"
Me: "Hi, I'm Coldman. So now I'm not some random guy anymore"
*Try to kiss her again*
Her: "Nooo :D"
*I look at her silently, triangular gaze for like 30 seconds, try again*
She rejects
*I stroke her hair away instead and bite her neck*
Me: "Well.. I think it's awesome that you're not so easy, I like that about you"
Note: This is actually a bad thing to say. Now she's inclined to "play even harder to get", because I told her I like that. Something better to say would be:
"I like that you're hiding the fact that you want to kiss me."
or "It's okay to be shy ;)"
Baiting to invest + reward:
Me: "So what do you do besides going out? Like work"
Her: "I work in the supermarket"
Me: "haha that's awesome, so you do it just for the money or because you like doing it?"
Her: "Well, more for the money, but I like the job as well :)"
Me: "That's awesome"
*Stroke her hair away and bite her neck again*
Pull:
Me: "So... I think you're pretty awesome, let's go play Nintendo Wii"
*Grab her hand, trying to pull out of the club*
Her: "haha, noooo, I got to go to my friends"
Me: "That's alright, but before you go, you have to give me your number"
*Exchange numbers*
Me: "Save me as 'Coldman Strawberry', so you know it's me ;)"
*some more fluff so she knows I wasn't just doing it to get her number*
Me: "Alright cya... wait, in Italy we do 3 kisses to say goodbye"
*3 kisses*
Me: "And if I see you again, you owe me a dance, cause we haven't danced yet ;)"
*Goodbyes*
Later on I text her:
Me: "Hey, what are you doing?"
Her: "I'm going home with the bus, and then I'm going to bed haha. And you?"
Me: "I'm gonna throw an afterparty at my house, you should come?" (I wasn't really, was just trying to get her to come over)
Her: "Nah way too far, I'm at my own house!"
==================================
Things I forgot and could have done (better):
- Roleplays
- "It won't get weird"-frame (Did all the most important frames with strawberry fields, but forgot the: "It won't get weird"-frame)
- Other important sexual frames (objections) to remember:
-- Pregnant/STD
-- Stalker
-- Discreet (Check: I don't kiss in bars, but seeing as your friends aren't here, it'll be our little secret)
-- I don't like ONS (One night stands)
- blaming sexual aggressiveness on her
- Set-up a day 2 right then and there based on common interests.
-- Cooking
-> What's your favourite type of food?
-> Imagine us having a relationship, what would you cook?
-> Oh wow, you got me curious now, we totally have to make that together now next thursday night.
-> Dinnerdate @ your place
-- Movies
-> You like watching movies?
-> What's your favourite (type of) movie?
-> Have you ever seen 'X'
-> You haven't? Oh wow, we're totally gonna see that movie next thursday night.
-> Moviedate @ your place
---- Also grab her Facebook so you can see if she's still as hot as you remember the next day (Also builds more comfort if she can see you, and builds you up if you have a cool profile)
- What are you doing later?
-- and: What time do you have to get up tomorrow?
- More 3D escalation (Bought her a drink/slapshot)
-- or bought her a drink in another venue (or at my house) -> More 3D escalation
- What needs to happen for us to hookup tonight? (Or for you to come play Nintendo Wii)
- Just so you know... you're coming home with me tonight. ;)
Quick note:
I need to approach WAAAAAAAY more.
More approaches = more chances with girls = more chance of a girl having good logistics to take home.
Don't hesitate, just go for it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
15 lessons from 2011
I was just going over on what I've learned in 2011 and made a list of the 15 most important ones. Just wanted to share them with you guys, have fun. ;)
1. Your mind is not you
Kinda the same as the first. People think that what they are thinking is who they are. The beliefs they have about themselves and others is who they are and what defines them as a person. This is false.
Sometimes you do something you're really proud of and you think you're awesome, you can achieve anything. Other times you fail at something and think that you can't do anything.
So which one is true? Neither. These are temporary and state depended beliefs. These are not you.
Your brain WILL fuck you up if you let it. Don't fucking listen to it. Do what you want, without holding back. Just don't think about it, your brain is your biggest enemy, especially in the world of pickup where everything is run by emotions.
Let me share with you a quote from: The Way of the Superior Man (by David Deida)
Even before we do something we imagine how much effort it's going to take and if we're able to achieve the result we're after.
There's a psychological term (that most depressive and pessimistic people have) called: selective interpretation.
It basically says that people who suffer from this overestimate the difficulty of certain tasks and exaggerate the amount of energy needed to complete those tasks. They have a difficulty of making an realistic estimate on how much effort is needed to get success.
Stop believing the mental chatter inside your mind, because your mind is not you.
2. Excuses, worrying and procrastinating.
"An excuse is something you tell yourself to feel good about the bad decision you're making."
We all want to do stuff. We have desires, wants, needs. Yet we come up with SO MANY excuses in our heads as to why we shouldn't do it. The worst part is, we belief them.
How many times have you seen that gorgeous girl that you KNOW you wanted to meet, but you haven't actually gone over and talked to her, because;
- You weren't in the mood/Just woke up
- Thought she probably wouldn't be friendly
- Thought you needed to read another ebook before you would be ready
- I waited too long, and now I creeped her out.
- *insert lame excuse here*
How many times have you thought about kissing an attractive girl you were talking to, but didn't, because;
- She's not ready
- She probably won't kiss me back and I'll look like a fool
And not just with women. This type of procrastination spreads throughout all area's of your life. School/work-projects, bills, chores, etc.
All this extra worrying and mental clutter causes more stress, which in return will cause more unhappiness.
Stop procrastinating and worrying, either decide to do something, or don't.
Worrying also kills conversations and fun vibes. If you're talking to someone and you're constantly in your hear worrying that you're going to run out of things to say, guess what happens? You're going to run out of things to say.
That's because your mind can only focus and think about 1 thing at a time, and if you choose to focus on worrying, then that'll be your conversational topic.
Instead you should accept that you might run out of things to say, and it's okay. Because your mind will come up with new conversational topics if you just STOP worrying.
I love that one scene in Avatar, where the lead guy is just starting to get used to his new Avatar body, and he says:
"My feet are getting tougher. I can run farther every day.
I have to trust my body to know what to do."
You too have to trust your own mind that it'll come up with the right things to say.
Have you ever approached a girl not knowing what to say, but the moment you stood in front of her you just said: "Hi", and went from there.
You didn't have a mental clog, did you? Unless you were worring.
This brings me to my next point:
3. Acceptance & action
People create fears, anxieties and negative emotions inside themselves, because they think how they view the world is not how it's supposed to be.
They see a beautiful girl walking down the street and want to go talk to her. But they think: "what are other people gonna think? They're gonna judge me. They're gonna think I'm a weirdo. They're gonna think I'm a freak.".
But is the problem that they're gonna think you're a freak? Or is the problem that you're expecting them NOT to think you're a freak? Or are you expecting them not to be there? Or that you don't want them to be there?
It doesn't have anything to do with the external environment, but that you expect it to be different. It's only caused by OUR rejection. The external environment doesn't do anything.
So if we didn't reject the external environment we wouldn't experience the negative emotions and we wouldn't hold ourselves back. We simply accepted everything as it was in this moment and emotions wouldn't exist and we would just follow our desires.
Simply accept everything that's going on in this present moment as it is, and then taking action on what you want to do.
This is the essence of not giving a fuck and being indifferent.
This is the core of not seeking approval from other people.
Let me give you a quick example so you can understand this concept better:
Imagine you're driving in your car and you're on your way to meet a friend. Now he's sitting at the end of a busy road with lots of traffic lights.
And you get a red light on EVERY traffic light. Now I can imagine this would piss you off.
What's the real problem here? Is it that the traffic light is red. Or is it that you expect and want it to be green?
Now in the same scenario, imagine your friend is 20 minutes late, and you're on that same road. There are no parking spots to park your car. You're still getting all red lights. Does it still piss you off? I can imagine that it wouldn't. You can just relax in your car, listen to some tunes, etc, because your friend hasn't shown up yet.
It wasn't the fact that the light was red that you felt pissed off in the first scenario. But it was that you expected it to be green.
And when the light was red in the second scenario, and you wanted it to be red. You didn't feel pissed off, or felt any form of anxiety.
Any anxiety we experience is because we put an expectation on the external environment to be different. There's no other reason.
It's about what we're trying to do. We think that the external environment is preventing us from getting and doing what we want.
But it's YOU and your expectation.
Same goes for other people when they don't meet our expectations. We feel pissed off, but realize that you can't change people. Deal with them as they are. Unconditional acceptance of others is the key to happy relationships.
4. Know your own self worth
If you don't know who you are, then you won't know what you're worth.
And if you don't know what you're worth, then you'll always be cutting yourself short.
I remember when I got my first numberclose, I'd be so excited and told all my friends. They were all excited for me: "Great job man! Awesome!"
I felt validated.
A few months after that I finally hit a point where I would tell my friends I got a number, but this time they wouldn't validate me: "So what? You do this shit all the time. It's not special."
Now instead of trying to do more amazing things in order to get validated, I got something better. I got a wake-up call.
Stop seeking validation from other people, because you're not always going to get it. If you make other people in charge of your happiness I can guarantee you that your life will be full of dissapointment and irregular happy days.
Taken from RSD (by Awesomejohn):
When I was practicing game I would go out, fail and try again. I would get numbers, be excited and have them flake. I never gave up though. But the most important thing I had was a core satisfaction that I lived a day that had more challenge and excitement than most people get in a year. Now how, coming from that place, would you EVER let those people judge you?
5. Never settle
We all want the best, but we don't all get it. People settle for less.
Sometimes you might get a girl into you, you think she's pretty good. But she's lacking some traits that you want in a girl.
Who cares, you're getting laid right? Wrong.
You think this won't affect you and how you view yourself? You're gonna start believing that you can't do better, are you're just too lazy to even try.
Keep on searching for the women that will make you feel something. The women that will make you feel alive.
The Women that will make you laugh, cry, live. That's what this is about.
Not marrying some 30 year old chubby girl who gives you blowjobs twice a week, because you're too fat to fuck her properly.
This brings me to my next point:
6. Love is self-deception
We all know that quote that floats around in society: "Love makes blind".
It's true, when we settle and think our girlfriends/wives are awesome, but they lack a few traits and we look past them.
Now I'm not saying dump that bitch cause she doesn't listen to your Mettalica albums. I mean important core traits. Like when you think it's important to treat people with equal respect, and she keeps talking down to other people. Deep down you really can't stand this, but who cares? You're getting laid right?
You get affection, love, sex, all the things you want from a girl. Realize though that there are 6.985 billion other people in the world and if she doesn't meet up to your expectations don't stick around just because you "love" her.
Now I say love is self-deception, because you think that one girl is special, when she really isn't. She's only special, because she's the closest to what you want in a girl at that specific time. You really think there isn't a girl around that is equally awesome or even better than her?
If you're happy with the current girl you're seeing and there are no flaws to her. Awesome. I'm happy for you. But if you're not, don't settle and stick around just because you "love" her.
7. Jealousy comes from your own insecurities
I was dating this girl for quite some time. She was awesome, we had fun times. But she didn't want to be exclusive and when she spent time with other men I felt this pain in my stomache. I felt really nauseous and sick. I realized this was jealousy.
But why did it bother me that other guys would stick their penis in her vagina? Why did it bother me that she would cuddle up and kiss other guys? I was in love, sure. But when she was with me I wouldn't feel those other guys. She would just shower and it would be like those other guys never fucked her.
It didn't bother me that she was talking about past sexual experiences, just the current ones she was having without me. so what was it then?
What I also realized is that it came from my own insecurities. I felt the need for exclusivity and felt jealous because I was scared shitless that she will compare, and that I would not measure up and that she would leave me.
Jealousy usually is just an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate.
I realized that her fucking other men, doesn't necessarily mean that she won't spend time with me anymore.
And even then, woman are awesome people, but they're not your possession. They are free to do whatever they want, and you have no control over it.
They'll leave you if they find someone better, that's life. Wouldn't you do the same? Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't guarantee that she'll stay with you. People in exclusive relationships and marriages leave their spouse all the time if they find someone better.
8. An approach a day keeps the guru away.
Reading/listening to advice on how to meet and attract woman is awesome, but if you're not applying it in real life then it's meaningless.
Just take what little thing you need and then go out and apply it. if you have TOO much material in your head you'll suffer from analysis paralysis.
Analysis paralysis is caused when you either have too much material in your head to work with... or too little. Analysis paralysis actually refers to over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation.
Having too little material in your head brings uncertainty, your mind will come up with various excuses to not approach: "I don't know what to say", "I don't know how to start an interaction", "I certainly don't know how to get her number".
This is easily solved, read an ebook and get out there and practice. Only read 1 ebook, not 10... Now I can hear you say: "But Coldman, wait a minute, isn't it better for me to know EVERY technique and method there is out there before putting myself at risk of getting rejected?".
No, my young padawan.... because:
Having too much material in your head will make your thought pattern go all over the place: "Should I go indirect/direct?", "What to do after that? Should I use cocky & funny, push/pull? Should I tease/neg her? Should I ask where she's from and then use deep connection to build rapport with her?", etc.
After a while backwards rationalization will set in and your mind will go: "I think she's hot and I want to talk to her, and yet here I am not approaching.. what's going on? Oh... I must have approach anxiety." And thus reinforcing that belief.
Source: wikipedia.org
This is why people often say they have approach anxiety, when in fact they are suffering from analysis paralysis.
Btw, have you ever had the thoughts: "Hey she's hot, I want to approach her... fuck I have approach anxiety. Oh well, she wasn't that hot anyway." It's the same thing. It's easier to live with the fact that she wasn't that hot anyway than with the fact that you're letting your fears hold you back.
Analysis Paralysis is almost always caused by reading too much from various Pick-up guru's that all have different methods to how they seduce woman. I'm not saying there is only 1 Master pickup artist that has a method that works... but it would be very wise to not read everything before actually going out and practicing. And with practicing I mean grasping the fundamentals; open, flirting (e.g. Getting to a moment of: I like you and you like me) and closing.
Any method will have these fundamentals, I can almost guarantee it. Only after grasping this should you attempt to perfect your game by mixing different PUA styles together and eventually make your own style that is congruent with your personality.
So let the field be your teacher. By getting experience from the field, instead of an ebook. This is what I mean when I say: "an approach a day keeps the guru away."
Also remember that you never regret doing an approach. Only the ones you didn't.
9. I always have to be 'on'
Sometimes I would see an amazing girl right outside my house on my way to work, and I just wouldn't be in the mood, or just wasn't feeling it.
I felt like I always had to be 'on', and always in a good happy vibe in order to succeed with woman. Else what's the point in trying?
First of, let me say that it has detrimental effects on your own self-esteem. Because later in the day I would always think about it and think to myself: "Fuck, I was such a pussy, I should've just said hi". But that was because NOW I was awake and in a good happy state.
It's like my first example, sometimes you feel like you can do anything, and sometimes you feel like you're worth shit. Realizing that it's just a mental state you're in and it doesn't determine how your interaction will go.
Just by going over and saying 'hi', you'll instantly shoot yourself in a social vibe. Just the adrenaline of actually going over will wake you the fuck up.
This need to always be 'on' wasn't just with the initial approach either. It was also with girls I was seeing. I always felt like I had to be in the best vibe I could be in. I could never feel down or unhappy about something. This took A LOT of energy.
I had interactions go awful and still get a date, and I had interactions go amazing and get a flake.
What I realized was that once she understand what you're about, and has an overall feeling about you (and your vibe), you can fuck-up a couple of times.
If she likes you it's HARD to change that and vice versa. Take the pressure off yourself. As long as you don't pop out of the sexual/relationship frame, you'll be fine.
A quick course on frames: Frames are underlying tones on how the interaction is viewed. They are defined by how you treat other people. If you're really sexual with a girl and she accepts it, then she'll see you as a sexual being. The longer you've stay that way, the harder it is to pop-out of that frame.
Now in order to stay in that sexual frame you have to keep showing you're sexual. And the longer she knows you, the less frames you have to put up, because you're not going to pop-out of it easily.
Sexual frames are pretty much stuff you say/do that you wouldn't do with female friends. Hand caressing (and caressing in general), kissing, saying sexual/romantic stuff.
Always ask yourself: "Can she interpret this as me being 'just' a friend?", if so then it's not a sexual frame.
People aren't aware of this but frames are set all the time, it's inevitable to avoid it. Whether it's a creepy frame, friendly frame, sexual frame, relationship frame, etc.
Frames are personal. This is why guys can think they have a shot with a girl (sexual frame), and the girl just sees them as friends (friendly frame).
What happened here is the guy put up friendly frames when he thought he was being clear about his sexual desire. Though because frames are personal she misinterpreted them as friendly frames.
10. There are no mistakes
Have you ever felt stupid when you told a girl a joke and she didn't laugh? We've all been there. It doesn't mean that you completely fucked up. It just meant that she didn't understand what you were trying to convey.
If the goal in pickup is to connect with people and basically saying: "Look, we have the same worldview". Than a mistake like the one above would be a disconnect.
Have you ever said something sexual to a girl, for instance: "I want to take you home and eat your pussy for 2 hours straight", and she got offended/shocked? That's another disconnect. You weren't at the same level of interest. Imagine saying the same thing to your wife that you've been married to for 5 years. She would be excited, turned on, and happy. Because you have the same level of interest.
It wasn't what you said that was the mistake, it was just uncalibrated. She wasn't at the same level as you. That's why it's a disconnect. Maybe if you said it 1 hour later she would be excited, cause you gave her time to get on the same interest level and NOW it's appropriate and calibrated.
Disconnects and calibration go hand in hand.
These disconnects are detrimental at the first few minutes of the interaction, but later you can make more and more, because she's more invested in the interaction.
The more attractive/value you are to her, the more mistakes (disconnects) you can make.
It's like you tell a joke to your close friends and they don't think it's funny, do they stop wanting to be your friend now? No... because they've known you for so long and are heavily invested. Also because they are your friends for so long, you're more than likely have connected on many other levels. 1 disconnect doesn't change much.
This is also the reason why you don't have to be 'on' all the time. Because the more she knows you, and the more she's invested, the harder it is to break her perception of you and the overall frame of the interaction.
11. If something's difficult to say, lead up to it.
When I started going direct, I had a really hard time with it. Saying filthy sexual things was nerve-wracking to me. Though I found a little trick to help make it a little easier.
Whenever I was about to say something that was scary (even just approaching), I would lead up to it.
Things like: "Hey... I have to tell you something", or "Hey... I'm wondering..."
Now when she's staring you right into your eyes, not only are you building suspense, but now you're fucked. As her mouth opens and she asks: "What is it?".
You've just cornered yourself. You can either run off like a little sissy, or say what you wanted to say.
I noticed that I wouldn't get anxiety or any negative emotion when I just said: "I have to tell you something", then after that I just followed through with what I had to say.
Me: Hey... I'm wondering...
Her: yes?
Me: What are you gonna do about the fact that I want to fuck you?
12. You're a sexual being, don't hide it.
Whenever I tried to get girls on dates, or even approach them. I would always hide the fact that I was attracted to them and I wanted to do filthy and naughty things with them.
Now going up to a girl and saying: "Hey, I want to fuck you", is totally uncalibrated. You don't know if she's a psychopath and cuts your dick off when you show it. So get to know her first.
But when she agrees to go on a date with you, and you're both there. You both want to have sex with each-other. You're both sexual beings. Trying to hide it is just stupid and rude.
I would always try to be really coy with my touchings, and give excuses as to why I was escalating and doing things: "Oh, yeah... I have to show you something awesome, but it's in my bedroom... come see."
This is stupid and insults the womans intellect. She knows you want to fuck her, why else would you go on a date with her? Just lead her into the bedroom and have sex. She wants it too. Stop trying to hide it.
13. Eye contact + silence = golden
I always knew it was good, but 60 Years of Challenge really hit it home for me.
It does 2 amazing things: It baits her into investing. Silence is pretty uncomfortable, so she feels the need to fill it.
But also, it allows for massive sexual tension to become present.
Sexual tension isn't something you have to create, it exists naturally between a man and a woman. You can only diminish it by:
- Saying something stupid (acting clunky)
- Saying too much (nervous)
- Being too friendly/nice/apologetic (too much comfort)
Sexual tension is present when there's a gap between what you want to do, and what you can actually do at the time. Imagine 2 people wanting to fuck eachothers brains out. They both know it. But they're in a public bar. The situation won't allow it, so the sexual tension will be MASSIVE.
By being silent and letting mother nature do it's work sexual tension will by definition be present, because you both want sex and there's a gap. Just don't break the gap by doing the above stuff (talking too much, etc).
14. Her investment and your escalation is the key to any succesful pickup
Pickup is a two-way street. You can do whatever technique you want, but if she's not investing then you're not going to get anywhere. Her investment is basically her escalation on you. It's the yin to the yang.
Your approach is your escalation, then you initiate and hold the conversation, then it's her time to invest. Then you keep pushing forward, while letting her invest too. Until you get to the bedroom.
If she likes you, she'll be intrigued and will invest in the interaction (drag the conversation on, ask you questions, etc).
This brings me to my last point.
15. Game is a myth
Game, by definition, is a myth. Learning how to do tricks and techniques to change woman's perception and feelings towards you is impossible.
Girls either like you, or don't. Period. No matter what awesome game you spit.
I've noticed that whenever I thought I was doing amazing game to win over a girl, they actually already liked me at the beginning.
I thought: "Fuck yeah, my game is awesome, first she was really quiet, and then I did the cube and this and that, and now she's really investing, she likes me now"
Truth is, she already liked me. But whenever people meet new people they always are a bit stand offish at first. or shy. This has nothing to do with how good my "game" was.
It doesn't matter HOW you approach, from what angle, or HOW you set up the date, or HOW you escalate on her once she's in your house. What's important is that you just do it.
If she wants it, she'll accept your escalation/advances no matter HOW you do it (Smooth or not).
The reason sexual frames work, is because you're putting the focus on you and her. And you're saying to her: "Look... I like you... I'm thinking about kissing you".
You don't have AWESOME "game", you only put out sexual frames and hope that she goes for them too and reciprocates. If she likes you and concurs with the frame, she'll accept it and you can proceed the interaction.
So stop trying to spit amazing game and just fucking go out and find girls that you think are awesome and reciprocate that feeling.
1. Your mind is not you
Kinda the same as the first. People think that what they are thinking is who they are. The beliefs they have about themselves and others is who they are and what defines them as a person. This is false.
Sometimes you do something you're really proud of and you think you're awesome, you can achieve anything. Other times you fail at something and think that you can't do anything.
So which one is true? Neither. These are temporary and state depended beliefs. These are not you.
Your brain WILL fuck you up if you let it. Don't fucking listen to it. Do what you want, without holding back. Just don't think about it, your brain is your biggest enemy, especially in the world of pickup where everything is run by emotions.
Let me share with you a quote from: The Way of the Superior Man (by David Deida)
| Quote: |
| "Your mind is just a display of conditioning of your past, of thoughts, of things people have told you, things you've read, your own idea's, things you've watched on TV.... all of which changes. Think back 10 years and you'll probably think; "Well, I thought I knew what was going on then, but now I'm 10 years older and now I REALLY know what's going on" But of course, in another 10 years you'll feel like what you knew now was very immature. We're constantly growing, therefore to trust your own mind is a mistake." |
Even before we do something we imagine how much effort it's going to take and if we're able to achieve the result we're after.
There's a psychological term (that most depressive and pessimistic people have) called: selective interpretation.
It basically says that people who suffer from this overestimate the difficulty of certain tasks and exaggerate the amount of energy needed to complete those tasks. They have a difficulty of making an realistic estimate on how much effort is needed to get success.
Stop believing the mental chatter inside your mind, because your mind is not you.
2. Excuses, worrying and procrastinating.
"An excuse is something you tell yourself to feel good about the bad decision you're making."
We all want to do stuff. We have desires, wants, needs. Yet we come up with SO MANY excuses in our heads as to why we shouldn't do it. The worst part is, we belief them.
How many times have you seen that gorgeous girl that you KNOW you wanted to meet, but you haven't actually gone over and talked to her, because;
- You weren't in the mood/Just woke up
- Thought she probably wouldn't be friendly
- Thought you needed to read another ebook before you would be ready
- I waited too long, and now I creeped her out.
- *insert lame excuse here*
How many times have you thought about kissing an attractive girl you were talking to, but didn't, because;
- She's not ready
- She probably won't kiss me back and I'll look like a fool
And not just with women. This type of procrastination spreads throughout all area's of your life. School/work-projects, bills, chores, etc.
All this extra worrying and mental clutter causes more stress, which in return will cause more unhappiness.
Stop procrastinating and worrying, either decide to do something, or don't.
Worrying also kills conversations and fun vibes. If you're talking to someone and you're constantly in your hear worrying that you're going to run out of things to say, guess what happens? You're going to run out of things to say.
That's because your mind can only focus and think about 1 thing at a time, and if you choose to focus on worrying, then that'll be your conversational topic.
Instead you should accept that you might run out of things to say, and it's okay. Because your mind will come up with new conversational topics if you just STOP worrying.
I love that one scene in Avatar, where the lead guy is just starting to get used to his new Avatar body, and he says:
"My feet are getting tougher. I can run farther every day.
I have to trust my body to know what to do."
You too have to trust your own mind that it'll come up with the right things to say.
Have you ever approached a girl not knowing what to say, but the moment you stood in front of her you just said: "Hi", and went from there.
You didn't have a mental clog, did you? Unless you were worring.
This brings me to my next point:
3. Acceptance & action
People create fears, anxieties and negative emotions inside themselves, because they think how they view the world is not how it's supposed to be.
They see a beautiful girl walking down the street and want to go talk to her. But they think: "what are other people gonna think? They're gonna judge me. They're gonna think I'm a weirdo. They're gonna think I'm a freak.".
But is the problem that they're gonna think you're a freak? Or is the problem that you're expecting them NOT to think you're a freak? Or are you expecting them not to be there? Or that you don't want them to be there?
It doesn't have anything to do with the external environment, but that you expect it to be different. It's only caused by OUR rejection. The external environment doesn't do anything.
So if we didn't reject the external environment we wouldn't experience the negative emotions and we wouldn't hold ourselves back. We simply accepted everything as it was in this moment and emotions wouldn't exist and we would just follow our desires.
Simply accept everything that's going on in this present moment as it is, and then taking action on what you want to do.
This is the essence of not giving a fuck and being indifferent.
This is the core of not seeking approval from other people.
Let me give you a quick example so you can understand this concept better:
Imagine you're driving in your car and you're on your way to meet a friend. Now he's sitting at the end of a busy road with lots of traffic lights.
And you get a red light on EVERY traffic light. Now I can imagine this would piss you off.
What's the real problem here? Is it that the traffic light is red. Or is it that you expect and want it to be green?
Now in the same scenario, imagine your friend is 20 minutes late, and you're on that same road. There are no parking spots to park your car. You're still getting all red lights. Does it still piss you off? I can imagine that it wouldn't. You can just relax in your car, listen to some tunes, etc, because your friend hasn't shown up yet.
It wasn't the fact that the light was red that you felt pissed off in the first scenario. But it was that you expected it to be green.
And when the light was red in the second scenario, and you wanted it to be red. You didn't feel pissed off, or felt any form of anxiety.
Any anxiety we experience is because we put an expectation on the external environment to be different. There's no other reason.
It's about what we're trying to do. We think that the external environment is preventing us from getting and doing what we want.
But it's YOU and your expectation.
Same goes for other people when they don't meet our expectations. We feel pissed off, but realize that you can't change people. Deal with them as they are. Unconditional acceptance of others is the key to happy relationships.
4. Know your own self worth
If you don't know who you are, then you won't know what you're worth.
And if you don't know what you're worth, then you'll always be cutting yourself short.
I remember when I got my first numberclose, I'd be so excited and told all my friends. They were all excited for me: "Great job man! Awesome!"
I felt validated.
A few months after that I finally hit a point where I would tell my friends I got a number, but this time they wouldn't validate me: "So what? You do this shit all the time. It's not special."
Now instead of trying to do more amazing things in order to get validated, I got something better. I got a wake-up call.
Stop seeking validation from other people, because you're not always going to get it. If you make other people in charge of your happiness I can guarantee you that your life will be full of dissapointment and irregular happy days.
Taken from RSD (by Awesomejohn):
| Quote: |
| Validation is a drug, and a very addictive one. Our highest highs and our lowest lows come from others when we are confused and reacting too much. To take one you have to take the other. Who here HASN'T been feeling on top of the world because things were going extremely well with a girl you just met, and then felt deflated because she seems more into some other guy later? Those "highest highs" are extremely painful to give up. You will NEVER have enough. External validation seems to be something that comes and goes, it wears off, and you go seeking more. You could number close a supermodel and be in full shining nimbus glory or whatever for 3 days, maybe even a week, but it WILL eventually dissipate and fade, and you will be left with whatever you were before. This is too large of a part of your life to just remove. And what I mean by that is that it must be replaced with something else. You have done it, I almost guarantee you, from time to time. Self validation, being satisfied with the performance you gave. Challenge yourself, every day, do something you didn't think you were capable of, every day, Scare yourself, scream, laugh, and do it again. You expose yourself to a range of emotions that is typical of people who have all the power and resources to experience whatever they want, only YOU know it came from within so you get more gratification. Will that sort of thing fade in 3-4 days? No fucking way. |
When I was practicing game I would go out, fail and try again. I would get numbers, be excited and have them flake. I never gave up though. But the most important thing I had was a core satisfaction that I lived a day that had more challenge and excitement than most people get in a year. Now how, coming from that place, would you EVER let those people judge you?
5. Never settle
We all want the best, but we don't all get it. People settle for less.
Sometimes you might get a girl into you, you think she's pretty good. But she's lacking some traits that you want in a girl.
Who cares, you're getting laid right? Wrong.
You think this won't affect you and how you view yourself? You're gonna start believing that you can't do better, are you're just too lazy to even try.
Keep on searching for the women that will make you feel something. The women that will make you feel alive.
The Women that will make you laugh, cry, live. That's what this is about.
Not marrying some 30 year old chubby girl who gives you blowjobs twice a week, because you're too fat to fuck her properly.
This brings me to my next point:
6. Love is self-deception
We all know that quote that floats around in society: "Love makes blind".
It's true, when we settle and think our girlfriends/wives are awesome, but they lack a few traits and we look past them.
Now I'm not saying dump that bitch cause she doesn't listen to your Mettalica albums. I mean important core traits. Like when you think it's important to treat people with equal respect, and she keeps talking down to other people. Deep down you really can't stand this, but who cares? You're getting laid right?
You get affection, love, sex, all the things you want from a girl. Realize though that there are 6.985 billion other people in the world and if she doesn't meet up to your expectations don't stick around just because you "love" her.
Now I say love is self-deception, because you think that one girl is special, when she really isn't. She's only special, because she's the closest to what you want in a girl at that specific time. You really think there isn't a girl around that is equally awesome or even better than her?
If you're happy with the current girl you're seeing and there are no flaws to her. Awesome. I'm happy for you. But if you're not, don't settle and stick around just because you "love" her.
7. Jealousy comes from your own insecurities
I was dating this girl for quite some time. She was awesome, we had fun times. But she didn't want to be exclusive and when she spent time with other men I felt this pain in my stomache. I felt really nauseous and sick. I realized this was jealousy.
But why did it bother me that other guys would stick their penis in her vagina? Why did it bother me that she would cuddle up and kiss other guys? I was in love, sure. But when she was with me I wouldn't feel those other guys. She would just shower and it would be like those other guys never fucked her.
It didn't bother me that she was talking about past sexual experiences, just the current ones she was having without me. so what was it then?
What I also realized is that it came from my own insecurities. I felt the need for exclusivity and felt jealous because I was scared shitless that she will compare, and that I would not measure up and that she would leave me.
Jealousy usually is just an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate.
I realized that her fucking other men, doesn't necessarily mean that she won't spend time with me anymore.
And even then, woman are awesome people, but they're not your possession. They are free to do whatever they want, and you have no control over it.
They'll leave you if they find someone better, that's life. Wouldn't you do the same? Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't guarantee that she'll stay with you. People in exclusive relationships and marriages leave their spouse all the time if they find someone better.
8. An approach a day keeps the guru away.
Reading/listening to advice on how to meet and attract woman is awesome, but if you're not applying it in real life then it's meaningless.
Just take what little thing you need and then go out and apply it. if you have TOO much material in your head you'll suffer from analysis paralysis.
Analysis paralysis is caused when you either have too much material in your head to work with... or too little. Analysis paralysis actually refers to over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation.
Having too little material in your head brings uncertainty, your mind will come up with various excuses to not approach: "I don't know what to say", "I don't know how to start an interaction", "I certainly don't know how to get her number".
This is easily solved, read an ebook and get out there and practice. Only read 1 ebook, not 10... Now I can hear you say: "But Coldman, wait a minute, isn't it better for me to know EVERY technique and method there is out there before putting myself at risk of getting rejected?".
No, my young padawan.... because:
Having too much material in your head will make your thought pattern go all over the place: "Should I go indirect/direct?", "What to do after that? Should I use cocky & funny, push/pull? Should I tease/neg her? Should I ask where she's from and then use deep connection to build rapport with her?", etc.
After a while backwards rationalization will set in and your mind will go: "I think she's hot and I want to talk to her, and yet here I am not approaching.. what's going on? Oh... I must have approach anxiety." And thus reinforcing that belief.
| Quote: |
| Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. A classical example of this idea (and the origin of the expression "sour grapes") is expressed in the fable The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop. In the story, a fox sees some high-hanging grapes and wishes to eat them. When the fox is unable to think of a way to reach them, he surmises that the grapes are probably not worth eating, as they must not be ripe or that they are sour. This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one's dissonance by criticizing it. |
Source: wikipedia.org
This is why people often say they have approach anxiety, when in fact they are suffering from analysis paralysis.
Btw, have you ever had the thoughts: "Hey she's hot, I want to approach her... fuck I have approach anxiety. Oh well, she wasn't that hot anyway." It's the same thing. It's easier to live with the fact that she wasn't that hot anyway than with the fact that you're letting your fears hold you back.
Analysis Paralysis is almost always caused by reading too much from various Pick-up guru's that all have different methods to how they seduce woman. I'm not saying there is only 1 Master pickup artist that has a method that works... but it would be very wise to not read everything before actually going out and practicing. And with practicing I mean grasping the fundamentals; open, flirting (e.g. Getting to a moment of: I like you and you like me) and closing.
Any method will have these fundamentals, I can almost guarantee it. Only after grasping this should you attempt to perfect your game by mixing different PUA styles together and eventually make your own style that is congruent with your personality.
So let the field be your teacher. By getting experience from the field, instead of an ebook. This is what I mean when I say: "an approach a day keeps the guru away."
Also remember that you never regret doing an approach. Only the ones you didn't.
9. I always have to be 'on'
Sometimes I would see an amazing girl right outside my house on my way to work, and I just wouldn't be in the mood, or just wasn't feeling it.
I felt like I always had to be 'on', and always in a good happy vibe in order to succeed with woman. Else what's the point in trying?
First of, let me say that it has detrimental effects on your own self-esteem. Because later in the day I would always think about it and think to myself: "Fuck, I was such a pussy, I should've just said hi". But that was because NOW I was awake and in a good happy state.
It's like my first example, sometimes you feel like you can do anything, and sometimes you feel like you're worth shit. Realizing that it's just a mental state you're in and it doesn't determine how your interaction will go.
Just by going over and saying 'hi', you'll instantly shoot yourself in a social vibe. Just the adrenaline of actually going over will wake you the fuck up.
This need to always be 'on' wasn't just with the initial approach either. It was also with girls I was seeing. I always felt like I had to be in the best vibe I could be in. I could never feel down or unhappy about something. This took A LOT of energy.
I had interactions go awful and still get a date, and I had interactions go amazing and get a flake.
What I realized was that once she understand what you're about, and has an overall feeling about you (and your vibe), you can fuck-up a couple of times.
If she likes you it's HARD to change that and vice versa. Take the pressure off yourself. As long as you don't pop out of the sexual/relationship frame, you'll be fine.
A quick course on frames: Frames are underlying tones on how the interaction is viewed. They are defined by how you treat other people. If you're really sexual with a girl and she accepts it, then she'll see you as a sexual being. The longer you've stay that way, the harder it is to pop-out of that frame.
Now in order to stay in that sexual frame you have to keep showing you're sexual. And the longer she knows you, the less frames you have to put up, because you're not going to pop-out of it easily.
Sexual frames are pretty much stuff you say/do that you wouldn't do with female friends. Hand caressing (and caressing in general), kissing, saying sexual/romantic stuff.
Always ask yourself: "Can she interpret this as me being 'just' a friend?", if so then it's not a sexual frame.
People aren't aware of this but frames are set all the time, it's inevitable to avoid it. Whether it's a creepy frame, friendly frame, sexual frame, relationship frame, etc.
Frames are personal. This is why guys can think they have a shot with a girl (sexual frame), and the girl just sees them as friends (friendly frame).
What happened here is the guy put up friendly frames when he thought he was being clear about his sexual desire. Though because frames are personal she misinterpreted them as friendly frames.
10. There are no mistakes
Have you ever felt stupid when you told a girl a joke and she didn't laugh? We've all been there. It doesn't mean that you completely fucked up. It just meant that she didn't understand what you were trying to convey.
If the goal in pickup is to connect with people and basically saying: "Look, we have the same worldview". Than a mistake like the one above would be a disconnect.
Have you ever said something sexual to a girl, for instance: "I want to take you home and eat your pussy for 2 hours straight", and she got offended/shocked? That's another disconnect. You weren't at the same level of interest. Imagine saying the same thing to your wife that you've been married to for 5 years. She would be excited, turned on, and happy. Because you have the same level of interest.
It wasn't what you said that was the mistake, it was just uncalibrated. She wasn't at the same level as you. That's why it's a disconnect. Maybe if you said it 1 hour later she would be excited, cause you gave her time to get on the same interest level and NOW it's appropriate and calibrated.
Disconnects and calibration go hand in hand.
These disconnects are detrimental at the first few minutes of the interaction, but later you can make more and more, because she's more invested in the interaction.
The more attractive/value you are to her, the more mistakes (disconnects) you can make.
It's like you tell a joke to your close friends and they don't think it's funny, do they stop wanting to be your friend now? No... because they've known you for so long and are heavily invested. Also because they are your friends for so long, you're more than likely have connected on many other levels. 1 disconnect doesn't change much.
This is also the reason why you don't have to be 'on' all the time. Because the more she knows you, and the more she's invested, the harder it is to break her perception of you and the overall frame of the interaction.
11. If something's difficult to say, lead up to it.
When I started going direct, I had a really hard time with it. Saying filthy sexual things was nerve-wracking to me. Though I found a little trick to help make it a little easier.
Whenever I was about to say something that was scary (even just approaching), I would lead up to it.
Things like: "Hey... I have to tell you something", or "Hey... I'm wondering..."
Now when she's staring you right into your eyes, not only are you building suspense, but now you're fucked. As her mouth opens and she asks: "What is it?".
You've just cornered yourself. You can either run off like a little sissy, or say what you wanted to say.
I noticed that I wouldn't get anxiety or any negative emotion when I just said: "I have to tell you something", then after that I just followed through with what I had to say.
Me: Hey... I'm wondering...
Her: yes?
Me: What are you gonna do about the fact that I want to fuck you?
12. You're a sexual being, don't hide it.
Whenever I tried to get girls on dates, or even approach them. I would always hide the fact that I was attracted to them and I wanted to do filthy and naughty things with them.
Now going up to a girl and saying: "Hey, I want to fuck you", is totally uncalibrated. You don't know if she's a psychopath and cuts your dick off when you show it. So get to know her first.
But when she agrees to go on a date with you, and you're both there. You both want to have sex with each-other. You're both sexual beings. Trying to hide it is just stupid and rude.
I would always try to be really coy with my touchings, and give excuses as to why I was escalating and doing things: "Oh, yeah... I have to show you something awesome, but it's in my bedroom... come see."
This is stupid and insults the womans intellect. She knows you want to fuck her, why else would you go on a date with her? Just lead her into the bedroom and have sex. She wants it too. Stop trying to hide it.
13. Eye contact + silence = golden
I always knew it was good, but 60 Years of Challenge really hit it home for me.
It does 2 amazing things: It baits her into investing. Silence is pretty uncomfortable, so she feels the need to fill it.
But also, it allows for massive sexual tension to become present.
Sexual tension isn't something you have to create, it exists naturally between a man and a woman. You can only diminish it by:
- Saying something stupid (acting clunky)
- Saying too much (nervous)
- Being too friendly/nice/apologetic (too much comfort)
Sexual tension is present when there's a gap between what you want to do, and what you can actually do at the time. Imagine 2 people wanting to fuck eachothers brains out. They both know it. But they're in a public bar. The situation won't allow it, so the sexual tension will be MASSIVE.
By being silent and letting mother nature do it's work sexual tension will by definition be present, because you both want sex and there's a gap. Just don't break the gap by doing the above stuff (talking too much, etc).
14. Her investment and your escalation is the key to any succesful pickup
Pickup is a two-way street. You can do whatever technique you want, but if she's not investing then you're not going to get anywhere. Her investment is basically her escalation on you. It's the yin to the yang.
Your approach is your escalation, then you initiate and hold the conversation, then it's her time to invest. Then you keep pushing forward, while letting her invest too. Until you get to the bedroom.
If she likes you, she'll be intrigued and will invest in the interaction (drag the conversation on, ask you questions, etc).
This brings me to my last point.
15. Game is a myth
Game, by definition, is a myth. Learning how to do tricks and techniques to change woman's perception and feelings towards you is impossible.
Girls either like you, or don't. Period. No matter what awesome game you spit.
I've noticed that whenever I thought I was doing amazing game to win over a girl, they actually already liked me at the beginning.
I thought: "Fuck yeah, my game is awesome, first she was really quiet, and then I did the cube and this and that, and now she's really investing, she likes me now"
Truth is, she already liked me. But whenever people meet new people they always are a bit stand offish at first. or shy. This has nothing to do with how good my "game" was.
It doesn't matter HOW you approach, from what angle, or HOW you set up the date, or HOW you escalate on her once she's in your house. What's important is that you just do it.
If she wants it, she'll accept your escalation/advances no matter HOW you do it (Smooth or not).
The reason sexual frames work, is because you're putting the focus on you and her. And you're saying to her: "Look... I like you... I'm thinking about kissing you".
You don't have AWESOME "game", you only put out sexual frames and hope that she goes for them too and reciprocates. If she likes you and concurs with the frame, she'll accept it and you can proceed the interaction.
So stop trying to spit amazing game and just fucking go out and find girls that you think are awesome and reciprocate that feeling.
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