1. Your mind is not you
Kinda the same as the first. People think that what they are thinking is who they are. The beliefs they have about themselves and others is who they are and what defines them as a person. This is false.
Sometimes you do something you're really proud of and you think you're awesome, you can achieve anything. Other times you fail at something and think that you can't do anything.
So which one is true? Neither. These are temporary and state depended beliefs. These are not you.
Your brain WILL fuck you up if you let it. Don't fucking listen to it. Do what you want, without holding back. Just don't think about it, your brain is your biggest enemy, especially in the world of pickup where everything is run by emotions.
Let me share with you a quote from: The Way of the Superior Man (by David Deida)
| Quote: |
| "Your mind is just a display of conditioning of your past, of thoughts, of things people have told you, things you've read, your own idea's, things you've watched on TV.... all of which changes. Think back 10 years and you'll probably think; "Well, I thought I knew what was going on then, but now I'm 10 years older and now I REALLY know what's going on" But of course, in another 10 years you'll feel like what you knew now was very immature. We're constantly growing, therefore to trust your own mind is a mistake." |
Even before we do something we imagine how much effort it's going to take and if we're able to achieve the result we're after.
There's a psychological term (that most depressive and pessimistic people have) called: selective interpretation.
It basically says that people who suffer from this overestimate the difficulty of certain tasks and exaggerate the amount of energy needed to complete those tasks. They have a difficulty of making an realistic estimate on how much effort is needed to get success.
Stop believing the mental chatter inside your mind, because your mind is not you.
2. Excuses, worrying and procrastinating.
"An excuse is something you tell yourself to feel good about the bad decision you're making."
We all want to do stuff. We have desires, wants, needs. Yet we come up with SO MANY excuses in our heads as to why we shouldn't do it. The worst part is, we belief them.
How many times have you seen that gorgeous girl that you KNOW you wanted to meet, but you haven't actually gone over and talked to her, because;
- You weren't in the mood/Just woke up
- Thought she probably wouldn't be friendly
- Thought you needed to read another ebook before you would be ready
- I waited too long, and now I creeped her out.
- *insert lame excuse here*
How many times have you thought about kissing an attractive girl you were talking to, but didn't, because;
- She's not ready
- She probably won't kiss me back and I'll look like a fool
And not just with women. This type of procrastination spreads throughout all area's of your life. School/work-projects, bills, chores, etc.
All this extra worrying and mental clutter causes more stress, which in return will cause more unhappiness.
Stop procrastinating and worrying, either decide to do something, or don't.
Worrying also kills conversations and fun vibes. If you're talking to someone and you're constantly in your hear worrying that you're going to run out of things to say, guess what happens? You're going to run out of things to say.
That's because your mind can only focus and think about 1 thing at a time, and if you choose to focus on worrying, then that'll be your conversational topic.
Instead you should accept that you might run out of things to say, and it's okay. Because your mind will come up with new conversational topics if you just STOP worrying.
I love that one scene in Avatar, where the lead guy is just starting to get used to his new Avatar body, and he says:
"My feet are getting tougher. I can run farther every day.
I have to trust my body to know what to do."
You too have to trust your own mind that it'll come up with the right things to say.
Have you ever approached a girl not knowing what to say, but the moment you stood in front of her you just said: "Hi", and went from there.
You didn't have a mental clog, did you? Unless you were worring.
This brings me to my next point:
3. Acceptance & action
People create fears, anxieties and negative emotions inside themselves, because they think how they view the world is not how it's supposed to be.
They see a beautiful girl walking down the street and want to go talk to her. But they think: "what are other people gonna think? They're gonna judge me. They're gonna think I'm a weirdo. They're gonna think I'm a freak.".
But is the problem that they're gonna think you're a freak? Or is the problem that you're expecting them NOT to think you're a freak? Or are you expecting them not to be there? Or that you don't want them to be there?
It doesn't have anything to do with the external environment, but that you expect it to be different. It's only caused by OUR rejection. The external environment doesn't do anything.
So if we didn't reject the external environment we wouldn't experience the negative emotions and we wouldn't hold ourselves back. We simply accepted everything as it was in this moment and emotions wouldn't exist and we would just follow our desires.
Simply accept everything that's going on in this present moment as it is, and then taking action on what you want to do.
This is the essence of not giving a fuck and being indifferent.
This is the core of not seeking approval from other people.
Let me give you a quick example so you can understand this concept better:
Imagine you're driving in your car and you're on your way to meet a friend. Now he's sitting at the end of a busy road with lots of traffic lights.
And you get a red light on EVERY traffic light. Now I can imagine this would piss you off.
What's the real problem here? Is it that the traffic light is red. Or is it that you expect and want it to be green?
Now in the same scenario, imagine your friend is 20 minutes late, and you're on that same road. There are no parking spots to park your car. You're still getting all red lights. Does it still piss you off? I can imagine that it wouldn't. You can just relax in your car, listen to some tunes, etc, because your friend hasn't shown up yet.
It wasn't the fact that the light was red that you felt pissed off in the first scenario. But it was that you expected it to be green.
And when the light was red in the second scenario, and you wanted it to be red. You didn't feel pissed off, or felt any form of anxiety.
Any anxiety we experience is because we put an expectation on the external environment to be different. There's no other reason.
It's about what we're trying to do. We think that the external environment is preventing us from getting and doing what we want.
But it's YOU and your expectation.
Same goes for other people when they don't meet our expectations. We feel pissed off, but realize that you can't change people. Deal with them as they are. Unconditional acceptance of others is the key to happy relationships.
4. Know your own self worth
If you don't know who you are, then you won't know what you're worth.
And if you don't know what you're worth, then you'll always be cutting yourself short.
I remember when I got my first numberclose, I'd be so excited and told all my friends. They were all excited for me: "Great job man! Awesome!"
I felt validated.
A few months after that I finally hit a point where I would tell my friends I got a number, but this time they wouldn't validate me: "So what? You do this shit all the time. It's not special."
Now instead of trying to do more amazing things in order to get validated, I got something better. I got a wake-up call.
Stop seeking validation from other people, because you're not always going to get it. If you make other people in charge of your happiness I can guarantee you that your life will be full of dissapointment and irregular happy days.
Taken from RSD (by Awesomejohn):
| Quote: |
| Validation is a drug, and a very addictive one. Our highest highs and our lowest lows come from others when we are confused and reacting too much. To take one you have to take the other. Who here HASN'T been feeling on top of the world because things were going extremely well with a girl you just met, and then felt deflated because she seems more into some other guy later? Those "highest highs" are extremely painful to give up. You will NEVER have enough. External validation seems to be something that comes and goes, it wears off, and you go seeking more. You could number close a supermodel and be in full shining nimbus glory or whatever for 3 days, maybe even a week, but it WILL eventually dissipate and fade, and you will be left with whatever you were before. This is too large of a part of your life to just remove. And what I mean by that is that it must be replaced with something else. You have done it, I almost guarantee you, from time to time. Self validation, being satisfied with the performance you gave. Challenge yourself, every day, do something you didn't think you were capable of, every day, Scare yourself, scream, laugh, and do it again. You expose yourself to a range of emotions that is typical of people who have all the power and resources to experience whatever they want, only YOU know it came from within so you get more gratification. Will that sort of thing fade in 3-4 days? No fucking way. |
When I was practicing game I would go out, fail and try again. I would get numbers, be excited and have them flake. I never gave up though. But the most important thing I had was a core satisfaction that I lived a day that had more challenge and excitement than most people get in a year. Now how, coming from that place, would you EVER let those people judge you?
5. Never settle
We all want the best, but we don't all get it. People settle for less.
Sometimes you might get a girl into you, you think she's pretty good. But she's lacking some traits that you want in a girl.
Who cares, you're getting laid right? Wrong.
You think this won't affect you and how you view yourself? You're gonna start believing that you can't do better, are you're just too lazy to even try.
Keep on searching for the women that will make you feel something. The women that will make you feel alive.
The Women that will make you laugh, cry, live. That's what this is about.
Not marrying some 30 year old chubby girl who gives you blowjobs twice a week, because you're too fat to fuck her properly.
This brings me to my next point:
6. Love is self-deception
We all know that quote that floats around in society: "Love makes blind".
It's true, when we settle and think our girlfriends/wives are awesome, but they lack a few traits and we look past them.
Now I'm not saying dump that bitch cause she doesn't listen to your Mettalica albums. I mean important core traits. Like when you think it's important to treat people with equal respect, and she keeps talking down to other people. Deep down you really can't stand this, but who cares? You're getting laid right?
You get affection, love, sex, all the things you want from a girl. Realize though that there are 6.985 billion other people in the world and if she doesn't meet up to your expectations don't stick around just because you "love" her.
Now I say love is self-deception, because you think that one girl is special, when she really isn't. She's only special, because she's the closest to what you want in a girl at that specific time. You really think there isn't a girl around that is equally awesome or even better than her?
If you're happy with the current girl you're seeing and there are no flaws to her. Awesome. I'm happy for you. But if you're not, don't settle and stick around just because you "love" her.
7. Jealousy comes from your own insecurities
I was dating this girl for quite some time. She was awesome, we had fun times. But she didn't want to be exclusive and when she spent time with other men I felt this pain in my stomache. I felt really nauseous and sick. I realized this was jealousy.
But why did it bother me that other guys would stick their penis in her vagina? Why did it bother me that she would cuddle up and kiss other guys? I was in love, sure. But when she was with me I wouldn't feel those other guys. She would just shower and it would be like those other guys never fucked her.
It didn't bother me that she was talking about past sexual experiences, just the current ones she was having without me. so what was it then?
What I also realized is that it came from my own insecurities. I felt the need for exclusivity and felt jealous because I was scared shitless that she will compare, and that I would not measure up and that she would leave me.
Jealousy usually is just an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate.
I realized that her fucking other men, doesn't necessarily mean that she won't spend time with me anymore.
And even then, woman are awesome people, but they're not your possession. They are free to do whatever they want, and you have no control over it.
They'll leave you if they find someone better, that's life. Wouldn't you do the same? Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't guarantee that she'll stay with you. People in exclusive relationships and marriages leave their spouse all the time if they find someone better.
8. An approach a day keeps the guru away.
Reading/listening to advice on how to meet and attract woman is awesome, but if you're not applying it in real life then it's meaningless.
Just take what little thing you need and then go out and apply it. if you have TOO much material in your head you'll suffer from analysis paralysis.
Analysis paralysis is caused when you either have too much material in your head to work with... or too little. Analysis paralysis actually refers to over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation.
Having too little material in your head brings uncertainty, your mind will come up with various excuses to not approach: "I don't know what to say", "I don't know how to start an interaction", "I certainly don't know how to get her number".
This is easily solved, read an ebook and get out there and practice. Only read 1 ebook, not 10... Now I can hear you say: "But Coldman, wait a minute, isn't it better for me to know EVERY technique and method there is out there before putting myself at risk of getting rejected?".
No, my young padawan.... because:
Having too much material in your head will make your thought pattern go all over the place: "Should I go indirect/direct?", "What to do after that? Should I use cocky & funny, push/pull? Should I tease/neg her? Should I ask where she's from and then use deep connection to build rapport with her?", etc.
After a while backwards rationalization will set in and your mind will go: "I think she's hot and I want to talk to her, and yet here I am not approaching.. what's going on? Oh... I must have approach anxiety." And thus reinforcing that belief.
| Quote: |
| Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. A classical example of this idea (and the origin of the expression "sour grapes") is expressed in the fable The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop. In the story, a fox sees some high-hanging grapes and wishes to eat them. When the fox is unable to think of a way to reach them, he surmises that the grapes are probably not worth eating, as they must not be ripe or that they are sour. This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one's dissonance by criticizing it. |
Source: wikipedia.org
This is why people often say they have approach anxiety, when in fact they are suffering from analysis paralysis.
Btw, have you ever had the thoughts: "Hey she's hot, I want to approach her... fuck I have approach anxiety. Oh well, she wasn't that hot anyway." It's the same thing. It's easier to live with the fact that she wasn't that hot anyway than with the fact that you're letting your fears hold you back.
Analysis Paralysis is almost always caused by reading too much from various Pick-up guru's that all have different methods to how they seduce woman. I'm not saying there is only 1 Master pickup artist that has a method that works... but it would be very wise to not read everything before actually going out and practicing. And with practicing I mean grasping the fundamentals; open, flirting (e.g. Getting to a moment of: I like you and you like me) and closing.
Any method will have these fundamentals, I can almost guarantee it. Only after grasping this should you attempt to perfect your game by mixing different PUA styles together and eventually make your own style that is congruent with your personality.
So let the field be your teacher. By getting experience from the field, instead of an ebook. This is what I mean when I say: "an approach a day keeps the guru away."
Also remember that you never regret doing an approach. Only the ones you didn't.
9. I always have to be 'on'
Sometimes I would see an amazing girl right outside my house on my way to work, and I just wouldn't be in the mood, or just wasn't feeling it.
I felt like I always had to be 'on', and always in a good happy vibe in order to succeed with woman. Else what's the point in trying?
First of, let me say that it has detrimental effects on your own self-esteem. Because later in the day I would always think about it and think to myself: "Fuck, I was such a pussy, I should've just said hi". But that was because NOW I was awake and in a good happy state.
It's like my first example, sometimes you feel like you can do anything, and sometimes you feel like you're worth shit. Realizing that it's just a mental state you're in and it doesn't determine how your interaction will go.
Just by going over and saying 'hi', you'll instantly shoot yourself in a social vibe. Just the adrenaline of actually going over will wake you the fuck up.
This need to always be 'on' wasn't just with the initial approach either. It was also with girls I was seeing. I always felt like I had to be in the best vibe I could be in. I could never feel down or unhappy about something. This took A LOT of energy.
I had interactions go awful and still get a date, and I had interactions go amazing and get a flake.
What I realized was that once she understand what you're about, and has an overall feeling about you (and your vibe), you can fuck-up a couple of times.
If she likes you it's HARD to change that and vice versa. Take the pressure off yourself. As long as you don't pop out of the sexual/relationship frame, you'll be fine.
A quick course on frames: Frames are underlying tones on how the interaction is viewed. They are defined by how you treat other people. If you're really sexual with a girl and she accepts it, then she'll see you as a sexual being. The longer you've stay that way, the harder it is to pop-out of that frame.
Now in order to stay in that sexual frame you have to keep showing you're sexual. And the longer she knows you, the less frames you have to put up, because you're not going to pop-out of it easily.
Sexual frames are pretty much stuff you say/do that you wouldn't do with female friends. Hand caressing (and caressing in general), kissing, saying sexual/romantic stuff.
Always ask yourself: "Can she interpret this as me being 'just' a friend?", if so then it's not a sexual frame.
People aren't aware of this but frames are set all the time, it's inevitable to avoid it. Whether it's a creepy frame, friendly frame, sexual frame, relationship frame, etc.
Frames are personal. This is why guys can think they have a shot with a girl (sexual frame), and the girl just sees them as friends (friendly frame).
What happened here is the guy put up friendly frames when he thought he was being clear about his sexual desire. Though because frames are personal she misinterpreted them as friendly frames.
10. There are no mistakes
Have you ever felt stupid when you told a girl a joke and she didn't laugh? We've all been there. It doesn't mean that you completely fucked up. It just meant that she didn't understand what you were trying to convey.
If the goal in pickup is to connect with people and basically saying: "Look, we have the same worldview". Than a mistake like the one above would be a disconnect.
Have you ever said something sexual to a girl, for instance: "I want to take you home and eat your pussy for 2 hours straight", and she got offended/shocked? That's another disconnect. You weren't at the same level of interest. Imagine saying the same thing to your wife that you've been married to for 5 years. She would be excited, turned on, and happy. Because you have the same level of interest.
It wasn't what you said that was the mistake, it was just uncalibrated. She wasn't at the same level as you. That's why it's a disconnect. Maybe if you said it 1 hour later she would be excited, cause you gave her time to get on the same interest level and NOW it's appropriate and calibrated.
Disconnects and calibration go hand in hand.
These disconnects are detrimental at the first few minutes of the interaction, but later you can make more and more, because she's more invested in the interaction.
The more attractive/value you are to her, the more mistakes (disconnects) you can make.
It's like you tell a joke to your close friends and they don't think it's funny, do they stop wanting to be your friend now? No... because they've known you for so long and are heavily invested. Also because they are your friends for so long, you're more than likely have connected on many other levels. 1 disconnect doesn't change much.
This is also the reason why you don't have to be 'on' all the time. Because the more she knows you, and the more she's invested, the harder it is to break her perception of you and the overall frame of the interaction.
11. If something's difficult to say, lead up to it.
When I started going direct, I had a really hard time with it. Saying filthy sexual things was nerve-wracking to me. Though I found a little trick to help make it a little easier.
Whenever I was about to say something that was scary (even just approaching), I would lead up to it.
Things like: "Hey... I have to tell you something", or "Hey... I'm wondering..."
Now when she's staring you right into your eyes, not only are you building suspense, but now you're fucked. As her mouth opens and she asks: "What is it?".
You've just cornered yourself. You can either run off like a little sissy, or say what you wanted to say.
I noticed that I wouldn't get anxiety or any negative emotion when I just said: "I have to tell you something", then after that I just followed through with what I had to say.
Me: Hey... I'm wondering...
Her: yes?
Me: What are you gonna do about the fact that I want to fuck you?
12. You're a sexual being, don't hide it.
Whenever I tried to get girls on dates, or even approach them. I would always hide the fact that I was attracted to them and I wanted to do filthy and naughty things with them.
Now going up to a girl and saying: "Hey, I want to fuck you", is totally uncalibrated. You don't know if she's a psychopath and cuts your dick off when you show it. So get to know her first.
But when she agrees to go on a date with you, and you're both there. You both want to have sex with each-other. You're both sexual beings. Trying to hide it is just stupid and rude.
I would always try to be really coy with my touchings, and give excuses as to why I was escalating and doing things: "Oh, yeah... I have to show you something awesome, but it's in my bedroom... come see."
This is stupid and insults the womans intellect. She knows you want to fuck her, why else would you go on a date with her? Just lead her into the bedroom and have sex. She wants it too. Stop trying to hide it.
13. Eye contact + silence = golden
I always knew it was good, but 60 Years of Challenge really hit it home for me.
It does 2 amazing things: It baits her into investing. Silence is pretty uncomfortable, so she feels the need to fill it.
But also, it allows for massive sexual tension to become present.
Sexual tension isn't something you have to create, it exists naturally between a man and a woman. You can only diminish it by:
- Saying something stupid (acting clunky)
- Saying too much (nervous)
- Being too friendly/nice/apologetic (too much comfort)
Sexual tension is present when there's a gap between what you want to do, and what you can actually do at the time. Imagine 2 people wanting to fuck eachothers brains out. They both know it. But they're in a public bar. The situation won't allow it, so the sexual tension will be MASSIVE.
By being silent and letting mother nature do it's work sexual tension will by definition be present, because you both want sex and there's a gap. Just don't break the gap by doing the above stuff (talking too much, etc).
14. Her investment and your escalation is the key to any succesful pickup
Pickup is a two-way street. You can do whatever technique you want, but if she's not investing then you're not going to get anywhere. Her investment is basically her escalation on you. It's the yin to the yang.
Your approach is your escalation, then you initiate and hold the conversation, then it's her time to invest. Then you keep pushing forward, while letting her invest too. Until you get to the bedroom.
If she likes you, she'll be intrigued and will invest in the interaction (drag the conversation on, ask you questions, etc).
This brings me to my last point.
15. Game is a myth
Game, by definition, is a myth. Learning how to do tricks and techniques to change woman's perception and feelings towards you is impossible.
Girls either like you, or don't. Period. No matter what awesome game you spit.
I've noticed that whenever I thought I was doing amazing game to win over a girl, they actually already liked me at the beginning.
I thought: "Fuck yeah, my game is awesome, first she was really quiet, and then I did the cube and this and that, and now she's really investing, she likes me now"
Truth is, she already liked me. But whenever people meet new people they always are a bit stand offish at first. or shy. This has nothing to do with how good my "game" was.
It doesn't matter HOW you approach, from what angle, or HOW you set up the date, or HOW you escalate on her once she's in your house. What's important is that you just do it.
If she wants it, she'll accept your escalation/advances no matter HOW you do it (Smooth or not).
The reason sexual frames work, is because you're putting the focus on you and her. And you're saying to her: "Look... I like you... I'm thinking about kissing you".
You don't have AWESOME "game", you only put out sexual frames and hope that she goes for them too and reciprocates. If she likes you and concurs with the frame, she'll accept it and you can proceed the interaction.
So stop trying to spit amazing game and just fucking go out and find girls that you think are awesome and reciprocate that feeling.
